Video: Rogue Wan: Another Star Wars Prequel – Take 2
E;R: How many rogues does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Because they’d rather be on the Dark Side! [Drums] [Seatbelt's Tank! playing] So, there’s another [Distorted]—afuckingnother— [Normally] Star Wars film out, just two days short of a full year from the last one. You excited? Oh yeah, look at all that excitement. It’s like these movies are made for an inexhaustible supply of sub-90 IQ retards— I suppose I should be excited, too. It’s a prime video opportunity for me, after all. This channel has become something of a hate conduit, EMPEROR PALPATINE FROM Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Let the hate flow through you! E;R: and I do love to hate, more than anything, so I should be cheering on this train wreck even louder than the fans.
Because despite there having been about as many, if not more, red flags for Rogue Wan as there were for Suicided Squad or Fantastic Flop, it appears too few fanboys have learned the important lessons from their critical failures. Which is terrific news for me. There was just one little problem. I didn’t want to see it. And not because of integrity or righteous anger or to make a statement; I just really didn’t want to. It looked… boring. The writing sounded beyond cringey. JYN: This is a rebellion, isn't it? [WHAM, WHAM, WHAM!] [Cocks blaster rifle] [Explosion] I rebel. [Clap] [Clap] [Clap] [Clap] E;R: I’m dog-tired of the Star Wars imagery. The Stormtroopers looked as impotent and incapable a threat as ever. [Pistol fire, Stormtrooper screaming in agony] [Stormtrooper shoots his laser rifle] [Another Stormtrooper shoots his laser rifle] [More laser rifles firing] CASSIAN ANDOR: This way! [More laser rifles firing] [BEEP] [Grenade beeping] K-2SO: The Imperial forces are converging on our present location. [Grenade explodes] [Pathetic music playing] [Grenade explosion] [BEEP] [Stormtroopers firing their laser rifles at Chirrut Îmwe, but being knocked out one by one by him] [Rapid laser rifle firing] CHIRRUT ÎMWE: You almost got me! WEN JIANG: You're welcome.
[Depressing music with bass amplified] E;R: I knew the ending already. [John Williams' Star Wars (Main Title) playing] [John Williams' Star Wars (Main Title) sped up] [SMACK!] And if I went to a theater to see it, I’d be a hypocrite for funding it anyway. Basically, I was even more disinterested in seeing this movie than I was The Farce Engorges, and THAT I was practically forced to watch, Clockwork Orange-style, 6 months after its theatrical release. But making a video about how fans were had after 6 months in which the fans already realized this fact was in retrospect, kinda pointless. So if I can’t see the movie when it comes out and I shouldn’t make a video half a year later… [George Burns' Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)] ♪ Yo ho, yo ho! ♪ Rogue Wan is the eighth installment in the Star Wars trilogy, It's directed by Gareth Edwards and written by Chris Weitz and Tony Gilroy. Also, Gary Whitta, technically. We’ll get into these guys later, because boy, oh boy, did some of them have a lot to say. The film stars Felicity Jones, who is a cutie 6.
28. At first, I thought her name was the name of her character, just because it sounds so cinematic, but no, her name’s Felicity Jones. I like it! She’s also 33, which blew my mind. Top-notch genetics. FELICITY JONES: I’ve always been a feminist— E;R: Fu— FELICITY JONES: —and what I love in my work is being able to explore a full-sided woman and not patronize her. E;R: Oh, same, Felicity. I love being able to fully explore women’s sides… FELICITY JONES: It’s such a rare opportunity to be able to play a female who’s not just thinking about relationships. E;R: …Is it really? FELICITY JONES: A female friend of mine said, "I love that Jyn looks how we look, with trousers and a long-sleeved top. We aren’t in hot pants.
When do women walk around wearing hot pants?" E;R: I WONDER, FELICITY. FELICITY JONES: The first film I ever saw at the cinema was The Little Mermaid, so I wanted to be Ariel. Now I am playing a Disney princess. A very contemporary, kick-ass Disney princess! [E;R groans] E;R: A rogue is the very antithesis of a princess. If you were a princess and wanted to immediately stop being a princess, you’d become a rogue. FELICITY JONES: I both laughed and cried at Girls. [Man screaming in agony as he eats ass] I just have such, such respect for Lena. [Men shovel pebbles] E;R: Alright, so she’s not the brightest bulb on the Hanukah tree. They can’t all be winners, I guess. Still love saying your name, Felicity. Wasn’t that a TV show at some point? What the fu— Why can’t I escape you?!? Contrary to some of what I’ve read online, I thought Felicity did a fine job playing her character, what terribly little of it there was. Of course, my standards for a well-acted British lead actress might be a little skewed simply because she could breathe through her nose and it never looked like her eyes were about to roll out of her head.
JYN: Thanks! E;R: Now, there are other actors in the film. E;R AND ZIM FROM INVADER ZIM: But I don’t care! E;R: And neither does the title! AAAAYO! The story of Rogue Wan takes place just a bit before A New Hope, when the Baby Starkiller is wrapping up construction— [Death Star explodes] DEREK ZOOLANDER FROM Zoolander: The center has to be at least… three times bigger than this! E:R: and follows Jyn and a crack team of random nobodies as they steal the schematics to the baby Starkiller. Spoiler alert: they win. Sounds a bit similar to the last movie we just got. Get a star chart, get a super-weapon schematic, stop a giant super-weapon… AGAIN. There’s really so little to say about the “story” here. It just screams of Disney re-treading old ground because they can. Only this time, instead of re-selling A New Hope under false pretenses, they’re being somewhat more upfront about what story they’re giving us —a prequel to A New Hope.
Because that’s what Rogue Wan is, by the way. Another prequel. Perhaps Disney’s being slightly disingenuous by not putting the word “prequel” anywhere near this in the marketing, but who could blame them for that? PADMÉ AMADALA FROM Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: No! ANAKIN SKYWALKER: You're all with him? You've brought him here to kill me! PADMÉ: No! E;R: Anyway, there’s a rather sizeable cast of characters, but fuck ‘em; we’ll just focus on the main character, Jyn Erso. JYn Air-so? Jack Spicer! Here’s StarWars.com’s entry for her: “Putting behind a checkered past by lending her skills to a greater cause, Jyn is impetuous, defiant, and eager to bring the battle to the Empire.” LITTLE GIRL: No thanks! E;R: This seems slightly disingenuous, too, so let me translate that into real talk. "Initially resistant to leave behind her checkered past by lending her NAME to a greater cause, —because the Loyalist Alliance is entirely disinterested in her or her skill-set— Jyn lacks some impulse control but listens to her father well, and is eager to stay out of any battle against the Empire until around the 45-minute mark.
" Jyn is, to put it simply, a cu— Rogue. She’s a rogue. You know something? It… surprised just how much she WASN'T a hugely snarky bitch. The trailers were incredibly misleading in this regard, and for good reason —because much of them didn’t make it into this the final cut of this film. For instance, Jyn's infamous JYN: I rebel E;R: line didn’t make it in, which was a stunningly smart choice that I didn’t anticipate. This line here right here was also cut: DAVITS DRAVEN: Is that clear? JYN: Yes, sir. E;R: Oh yeah, just loooving the sarcasm there, sweetheart. Yes, I was fully prepared to deride Jyn as the massive cunt the trailers were setting her up to be, but instead, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, she acts somewhat reasonably and level-headed in this movie. Dare I say it, she’s…
rather cute at times. It appears Disney extensively reworking the movie’s script and ordering tons of reshoots might’ve ACTUALLY improved her in a few places. That all said, she’s still an imperfect—even bad—character for several reasons, primarily stemming from her stubbornly resisting being the main character. For starters, it takes around 45 minutes before Jyn decides she WANTS to play any part in the story. Until that point, she’s dragged along against her will for the bidding of others. NERD: But E;R, it takes Luke, like, 40 minutes to decide to learn the Force. E;R: But until then, Luke’s status in his story isn’t of an unwilling actor, only an UNWITTING actor. He’s been suddenly thrust into something much larger than him that he was hitherto not in the know about. MARK HAMILL: The character of Luke Skywalker is the one sounding board you have, like Dorothy in the The Wizard of Oz, or Jack (sic) Hawkins in Treasure Island.
There's always that one character that people look to to see… the reactions to everything else. E;R: He was an avatar, basically, for an audience that was also unaware of the Star Wars universe, so his slow boil into the story makes sense. LUKE SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: I want to learn the ways of the Force, and become a Jedi like my father. GASTON FROM Beauty and the Beast (1991 Movie): WHOA! Slow down! E;R: Jyn is not the same. There’s a part around the 40-minute mark where Jyn confronts a terrorist named Saw Gerrerra about what the Loyalist Alliance wants from him and he asks Jyn, point-blank: NOAH FROM The Notebook: What do you want? ALLIE: It's not that simple! NOAH: WHAT ALLIE: It's not that simple! NOAH: WHAT ALLIE: It's— NOAH: WHAT ALLIE: It's— NOAH: DO YOU WANT? E;R: And Jyn essentially responds with, “I don’t give a shit if the Empire rules.” She knows the score and the audience does as well, more or less. Yet we have to wait 45 MINUTES for her to give the green light on the movie’s plot.
You could argue that Jyn’s, y’know, a rogue, so she’d be a little unwilling to go along with galaxy-saving heroics, but eh… what kind of rogue? DAVITS DRAVEN: …forgery of Imperial documents… possession of stolen property… aggravated assault… resisting arrest… MON MOTHMA: On your own from the age of 15… reckless, aggressive, and undisciplined… TONY STARK FROM Iron Man 2: Displays compulsive behavior, prone to self-destructive tendencies. Textbook… narcissism? E;R: She isn’t a dashing rogue, like Han Solo of the same franchise, who was a smuggler/thief with a heart of gold. LUKE SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: She's rich. HAN SOLO: Rich? [Merchant hands] E;R: He got shit done. HAN SOLO: I'll bet you have. [Greedo shoots his blaster at Han, but misses, allowing Han to counterattack] [RIP in peace Greedo] E;R: She isn’t a lovable rogue, like Starlord of Guardians of the Galaxy, who was at least playfully humorous and self-deprecating. ROCKET RACCOON FROM Guardians of the Galaxy: What are you, some saint all of the sudden? What has the galaxy ever done for YOU? Why would you want to save it? STARLORD: Because I'm one of the idiots who lives in it! E;R: She isn’t a trickster rogue, like Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean.
JACK SPARROW FROM Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: There should be a captain in there somewhere. E;R: Anyway, there’s not much to go on for determining Jyn’s "rogue-ness." What we know is that the Empire kidnapped her dad to engineer the Baby Starkiller and executed her mother because the moronic woman was two nuts short of a ballsack. It therefore would make sense that Jyn would be opposed to the Empire and everything it stands for. Except… she isn’t. [Bonk!] she isn’t. She’s too busy “surviving.” [Slip!] She’s too busy “surviving.” She’s too busy “surviving.” Surviving how, we don’t know, [Bonk!] because we’re never shown and only given a bit of ham-fisted exposition saying that it occurred. because we’re never shown and only given a bit of ham-fisted exposition saying that it occurred. [Bonk!] because we’re never shown and only given a bit of ham-fisted exposition saying that it occurred. because we’re never shown and only given a bit of ham-fisted exposition saying that it occurred.
She’s the blandest rogue I’ve ever seen, especially as the lead of a movie. Then there’s this line from one of the final trailers: JYN: Tell me you have a backup plan. E;R: Alright, so when they actually LET Jyn eke out a line with multiple syllables in it— JYN: Uhm… [Grenade beeps] Huh… E;R: —not only does she appear to lack any sort of uniqueness, they have her lack agency as well. She, the main character, turns to another character and asks them that she hoped THEY had a backup plan, not herself. This even implies that she wasn’t the one who proposed their original plan, and that’s correct —she didn’t. HAN SOLO FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: You better be right about this. LUKE SKYWALKER: All right. HAN SOLO: What's your plan? LUKE SKYWALKER: Err.
.. Threepio, hand me those binders there, will ya? [AT-AT walking] JYN: Tell me you have a backup plan. BRENT SCOTT: Bitch, is you serious? E;R: She’s not the arbiter of change here at all. She’s a tagalong. FELICITY JONES: Gareth and I both felt that it was very important that we found her humanity and her vulnerability, Everyone should relate to her. E;R: Is the internalized misogyny too strong? Do these men just not believe a woman can act on her own intelligence? Because after The Farce Engorges and now this, I’m really starting to question it. However! About an hour in, Jyn finally takes a stance against the Empire. This is when she sees a transmission from her father about the weakness he secretly implanted into the Baby Starkiller. Yes, that glaring weakness of the Baby Starkiller in A New Hope was apparently deliberate, and as far as retcons go.
.. eh, not bad, not bad. Anyway, teary-eyed from hearing her father’s impassioned and heartfelt message to her, Jyn does a 180 and decides that the Loyalist Alliance must now strike. What a good daughter. Though the Loyalists don’t really believe her story, despite specifically using her with the end-goal of reaching her father, so it’s kind of mind-numbingly retarded that, when she returns with news from her goddamn father, THEY’D FUCKING DISREGARD IT. But even when Jyn takes the lead, she’s mostly sidelined by every other character because they’re just… more useful than she is. Everyone else has something that they’re good at, whether it’s shooting, flying, or being a giant robot, while Jyn can just… get along. She does rally together the folks who eventually save the day, she recognizes a code word needed to save the day, and she… pulls a lever. To save the day. So… she’s got that going for her. Really memorable stuff.
But we need to ask the important questions. Is she better than Ma-Rey Sue? Yes. Oh God, yes. And no. See, Disney cut a shit ton from this movie for reasons we can and I will speculate on, which is why the Jyn from the trailers (the only Jyn I have to edit this video with) is NOT the Jyn I saw in the movie. DAVITS DRAVEN: Can you be trusted without your shackles? JYN: Let's just get this over with, shall we? E;R: Which is why this scene of her running never happens. Or her running on the beach during the Scarif battle. Or her dual-wielding like a female Gary Stu. [Slidewhistle] At any rate, it looks like action-star, superwoman Jyn didn’t quite survive the transition process. But some of her did, [Boing!] But some of her did, But some of her did, which is why, a little 5’3” girl can take out multiple men larger than her like it’s just Pistol-Whip Wednesday. In summation: Jyn is a mostly inoffensive character. Because she’s boring and unobtrusive.
She is fairly likeable, though. There’s one scene where she hops out into a firefight to save a crying little girl. And that was kind of easy, but it endeared me to Jyn more than I care to admit. But seriously, I surprised by how much of a difference trailer-Jyn and movie-Jyn really were. It might also just be because I find her attractive… The other “characters” in this movie are, by and large, just as forgettable. This can be attributed to the fact that there are far too many of them and that they all fall in line mostly by coincidence or happenstance. CASSIAN ANDOR: I've been recruiting for the rebellion. ENGINEER FROM “Team Fortress 2”: NOPE. CASSIAN ANDOR: I've been recruiting for the rebellion. ENGINEER FROM “Team Fortress 2”: NOPE. BODHI ROOK: .
..Spies… ENGINEER: NOPE. BODHI ROOK: …Spies… ENGINEER: NOPE. K-2SO: …Saboteurs… ENGINEER: NOPE. K-2SO: …Saboteurs… ENGINEER: NOPE. [TK-2S0 fires a blaster pistol] CHIRRUT ÎMWE: …Assassins… ENGINEER: NOPE. CHIRRUT ÎMWE: …Assassins… ENGINEER: NOPE. E;R: Their motivations are as shallow as their personalities, and those would put most kiddie pools to shame. However, I did like one: K-2SO, done by Alan Tudyk, is a reprogrammed Imperial droid now enslaved to the Loyalist Alliance. He’s C3PO with a pinch of Marvin the Paranoid Android thrown in. K-2SO: The Captain says you are a friend. I will not kill you. E;R: So honestly, he’s pretty great. …when you don’t pay attention to how he’s a third wheel for most of the proceedings.
As for the rest of the characters, well, here’s what Dick Brody of The New Yorker had to say about them: DICK BRODY: Rogue One offers an international cast, but it seems as if the condition for assembling this diverse group is not letting them say or do anything of note, anything of any individual distinction, anything of any free-floating or idiosyncratic implication. JOEL FROM They Came Together: What the fuck are you saying? E;R: You won’t find me often agreeing with The New Yorker, of all publications, but he’s right. Hell, I think he’s even being a bit too harsh, but on the other hand, I don’t even remember the names of these characters to defend them with. So… On the subject of name recognition, let’s discuss the uncontested best character of Rogue Wan, who’s not from Rogue Wan and is on-screen for all of 3 or 4 minutes. Darth Vader. Some might write off his cameos as mere fanservice, but as I see it, all that these movies are and ever will be are service to the fans. So FUCK IT— Big Guy Darth is in only two scenes and, in my not so humble opinion, those two scenes are the absolute highlights of this movie.
The worst part about them is that they’re both completely unnecessary. But I repeat myself. The first one is in Darth’s space mansion on a lava planet. You’d think that kinda locale wouldn’t be his thing… [Anakin Skywalker screams in pain as he is immolated] Visiting him is Director Krennic, who is Kylo Ren-levels of whiny. He wants Darth to keep him on the Baby Starkiller project and is being an all-around nuisance about it until Darth Force-chokes him and drops him to the floor. To which Darth says: “Be careful not to CHOKE on your aspirations, director.” [Man snorts and laughs] [Man wheezes] Now, I saw that some folks didn’t quite like Darth punning it up. And I get it —puns are only slightly above sarcasm in terms of wit— but Darth’s always been an immensely cheesy villain and he was never above a bit of sass. DARTH VADER FROM Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: Apology accepted, Captain Needa. E;R: I love Sassy Vader. In the second scene, which is kind of a spoiler but not at all, Darth menacingly and brutally slaughters a bunch of Loyalist troopers to get to the Baby Starkiller plans they stole.
It was fucking great. No words, no pretense. Just throwing dudes around and slicing them apart. There was one niggling question in the back of my mind during the scene —namely, why didn’t Darth force-grab the plans away instead of going on a sick murder spree— but I figured that he didn’t catch which of the troopers had the plans; he just knew the lot were attempting to escape with them, so the best course of action would be to kill everything that moved. And he made a valiant effort. Best of all, he looked fucking badass doing it. Best scene. Best scene. Which kind of put it into perspective just little I cared about the rest of the film. Speaking of reprisals, Grandma Tarkin and Leia Skywalker (Organa*) showed up, too. …As CG replicas. Not convincing CG, either. Oh, and Jimmy Smitts returned to reprise his role of the most forgettable character ever. MIGUEL PRADO FROM Dexter: Well then, fuck you! E;R: Alright, cut the chit-chat and give it to me straight, E;R-senpai.
Is Rogue Wan a halfway decent flick or not? No. Is it a halfway decent Star Wars flick? No. Is it better than The Farce Engorges? Yes. Easily. Is it better than the other prequels? It would be, but it has no midriffs in it, so… bit of a toss-up. Rogue Wan is darker than most of the Star Wars films. I mean that literally and figuratively. The cinematography is predominantly dim and dreary except, interestingly enough, during the final battle* on a well-lit beach. There could be no mistake that its subject matter is war, and while it’s not the gritty war documentary that its director Gareth Edwards probably envisioned, I’d be remiss to say it’s a fun, lighthearted romp, either. It’s just not quite as edgy as Anakin murdering a bunch of innocent children for no good reason.
[Anakin unsheathes his Lightsaber] It’s just not quite as edgy as Anakin murdering a bunch of innocent children for no good reason. [Children screaming as Anakin slaughters them] It’s just not quite as edgy as Anakin murdering a bunch of innocent children for no good reason. The thematic problem with this brand of dark is that it tries to infuse a lot of moral grayness into a white-black dichotomy… or rather, light and dark. And it doesn’t work. In the beginning of the film, we follow a Loyalist named Caspian as he meets up with another Loyalist on an Imperial-controlled planet. When some Stormtroopers walk in on them, Caspian shoots them dead, which upsets his friend who's not in any shape to escape the stormtroopers’ alerted friends. Caspian’s all, “Nah, chill, man, I gotchu, I gotchu.” OLD MAN IN BAR FROM The Wedding Singer: Everything is going to be all right. E;R: Then he shoots his friend dead, too.
[Machine gun fire] E;R: Then he shoots his friend dead, too. [Machine gun fire] There’s a ton of shit like this. One particularly bad example is when the Loyalists fundamentally betray Jyn at one point and she’s all, JYN: I can’t believe you’ve done this. E;R: Then nothing comes of it. Yaaaaay… Director Gareth says: GARETH EDWARDS: A New Hope… the first Star Wars movie. The good guys were really good, and the bad guys were really bad. And so, this is really… about a time where that black-and-white was a lot more grey. And… good guys are doing bad things, and bad guys are doing good things, and it's about… a little bit more about… the nature of war, and what it takes to do something… important… for the greater good. E;R: And that’s fine —I adore shit like that, really— but here’s the thing about it: when both sides are assholes, but you still want one side to be the “heroes,” except the other side looks objectively cooler when they’re being assholes… ehhh.
I’ll give Rogue Wan this, though: the tonal shift wasn’t a SMALL risk for Disney to take, and as a result, the movie isn’t as painfully safe and depersonalized as The Farce Engorges was. But it was a misstep. Whoops. Rogue Wan's pacing, as you might’ve gleaned, is atrocious. It’s too slow to start and it has so many beats to hit that we’re left with a bloated mess over 2 hours long. The editing, either to its credit or to its detriment, makes it feel a lot faster than that. You’re lucky when any shot lasts for over five seconds before cutting to another. For over two hours. The music was… eh. Did its job. None of it will stick with me. Really, the best compliment I can give Rogue Wan is that it’s not The Farce Engorges, which is the best news I can give to Star Wars Original Trilogy right now. While The Farce Engorges undid the ending of the OT and rendered it moot and worthless, Rogue Wan's worst crime toward the OT was that it played out like an offbeat fan film. Although there was a handful of really retarded lore discrepancies.
DARTH VADER FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: Don't act so surprised, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you. E;R: So how did this all go so, so wrong? WALTER SOBCHAK: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing… E;R: So let’s look into those guys I brought up earlier: Gareth Edwards, Gary Whitta, Chris Weitz, and Tony Gilroy. What exactly were their roles on this project and what kind of track record do they have? Again, Gareth Edwards is the director of Rogue Wan. The first major feature film he did and what he’s best known for is 2014’s Godzilla reboot.
I didn’t see it, or the rest of Gareth’s work, so I can’t comment on any of it. From articles I read here and there, it sounds like Gareth wanted to make Rogue Wan into a sort of war movie, and in accordance with his vision, fostered a rather dark and brutal tale. I’ve also been reading that Disney wasn’t such a big fan of Gareth’s vision and extensively reworked it into something more consumer-friendly. Big execs telling a talented director how he should be directing his movie, eh? We all know how that goes… [The Joker from Suicide Squad laughing very slowly] GARETH EDWARDS: I mean, I think… it's obviously the first… individual film that doesn't have to tee up another movie; it can be its own… self-contained story. [Incredibly loud Star Wars crawl] It's really exciting, because it means that we are not held to anything. [Incredibly loud Star Wars crawl] …
be a bit more free, but more brave? And what's great is that everyone at Lucasfilms and Disney is that… they are encouraging that. And… E;R: In the summer of 2016, Disney ordered reshoots, which kicked up a lot of controversy from media outlets, because the media feeds off death, just like I do. However, there was always the boilerplate disclaimer that, “Don’t worry, a lot of movies undergo reshoots. Look, they even set aside time for them, so it’s not like this was unanticipated. Disney has a high bar set for Rogue Wan, that’s all.” And it IS true that a lot of movies do reshoots, but it’s generally for superficial stuff, aesthetics —not huge plot rewrites. That is to say, they’re not usually revamping, say, half or even a quarter of the movie. So imagine my surprise when Rogue Wan's reshoots were said to encompass 40-50% of the project.
Rogue One? More like Rogue Take 2! According to claims of crewmember claims, the gist of the reshoots were that 40% percent of the movie was being redone using a rewrite of the script from yet ANOTHER writer, Christopher McQuarrie. Starting to sound like too many cooks in the kitchen, if you ask me. It was said elsewhere that Disney much preferred his draft of Rogue Wan, but it wasn’t finished before the movie went into production, so they wasted everybody’s time, read Christopher’s draft, and then ordered reshoots. This fits with what many other self-professed sources have repeatedly claimed: that Disney did NOT find Gareth’s vision to be classically "Star Wars-y," and so the reshoots were to “lighten the mood, bring some levity into the story and restore a sense of fun to the adventure.
” Director wanted a war-time doc. Execs wanted a light, fun adventure. Might this explain the movie’s bloated nature? Might it not be Gareth Edward’s fault? Who’s to say… Gary Whitta was the original writer of Rogue Wan. Let’s see, what are some of his writing credits… Oh, God… Book of Eli? For those of who haven’t seen it, it’s about this guy named Eli transporting a one-of-a-kind book across a nuclear hellscape to someplace on the West Coast of the United States. It’s pretty much Denzel Washington as The Equalizer in Fallout: New Vegas. Which, y’know, actually wasn’t too bad until… SPOILER ALERT: he’s BLIND. The twist is that, the whole time, Eli was fucking blind. This black dude beating the tar out of all these fucking thugs couldn’t see shit! This ain’t no Toph geo-radar, either. His superpower is literally —not figuratively, literally— that he has NON-FUNCTIONING EYEBALLS.
It’s the stupidest fucking— And the one-of-a-kind book? It’s a Bible. The last remaining copy of a book that all these desert bandits and thugs are attacking him desperately for is the most widely distributed book in all of human history. Fuck this movie in the dick… Alright, not off to a great start, Gary, but maybe you’ve got something better to impress us wi— [Spongebob from Spongebob Squarepants acts astonished] Alright, not off to a great start, Gary, but maybe you’ve got something better to impress us wi— [Spongebob from Spongebob Squarepants acts astonished] SPONGEBOB, SCOLDINGLY: GARY! E;R: After Earth? THAT After Earth? The one with an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes? The one that went out of its way to scrub M. Night Shylaman’s name from its marketing? The one Will Smith called the most painful failure in his career? WILL SMITH: No, no. You see, she was askin' individually. [Jaden Smith scoffs] WILL SMITH: No, no. You see, she was askin' individually. [Jaden Smith scoffs] Your worst nightmare and my worst nightmare are not— You don't get to tell people MY worst nightmare.
JADEN: Okay. You don't get to tell people MY worst nightmare. JADEN: Okay. WILL: How could you know, Jaden? JADEN, MUMBLING: I don't really know… WILL: How could you know? E;R: Oh, God, the fourth episode of Telltale’s Walking Dead too? Ain’t that one with the community that killed all of its children, infants, and prospective infants? Making them singlehandedly the stupidest group of survivors to ever attempt surviving by ridding themselves of their only path to CONTINUE AS A GROUP? CLEMENTINE FROM The Walking Dead: Season One: Wait, don't I get a vote? LEE EVERETT: No. E;R: Gary Whitta didn’t inspire much hope for the writing in Rogue Wan. But other than a bit of Book of Eli bleeding into it, it didn’t seem Garry Whitta-levels of bad. Maybe that’s because Gary was eventually replaced. By Chris Weitz. Although Gary is still credited as co-creating Rogue Wan's story.
Let’s see what Chris Weitz has done, then. American Pie. Cinderella. The Golden Compass. Twilight: New Moon. [Away from the microphone] You still holding out hope, Star Wars fans? [Normally] As a writer, Tony Gilroy has an okay track record. Armageddon is a sore spot, but he can’t shoulder all the blame there. [Trembling] But Jason Bourne's a fan favorite, so perhaps… —Oh, but hold on. What do we have here, Chris? On November 11th, Chris Weitz tweeted out: CHRIS WEITZ: Please note that the Empire is a white supremacist (human) organization E;R: A white supremacist organization! Well, I’ll be! But the more I thought it, the more I realized, y’know, Weitz has a point. I know he’s not the creator of Star Wars or anything and can’t actually throw out absolutes like that… OBI-WAN KENOBI FROM Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. [Obi-Wan ignites his Lightsaber] E;R: But he is shining a light on a curious trend I’ve been noticing: that the Empire seems to be chock full of people who’d sympathize with white supremacy.
For example… This white supremacist. This white supremacist also. Can’t forget this white supremacist. And I know these white supremacists eventually break off from the White Side, but the Empire brought them into their ranks to fight alongside white supremacists because they’re such white supremacists, so it’s the white supremacist thought that counts. Now, okay, yes, before you call me out on it, I know that the Jedi in the original trilogy are associated plenty with Nazi imagery, such as how the throne room scene at the end of A New Hope is lifted from the Nazi propaganda film Triumph of the Will. [John Williams' The Throne Room playing] [Chewbacca roars] [John Williams' The Throne Room playing] Buuut Anakin Skywalker impregnated a Gem, so that’d make his children Gems as well. At the very least, Leia is one. As is Han. Yoda fits the bill, too, I guess.
So, it looks like the Jedi have too many Gems on their side to be Nazis. The Empire forces are the true Nazis. After Weitz tweeted that stunning insight into the Star Wars lore, Gary Witta tweeted in response: GARY WITTA: Opposed by a multi-cultural group led by brave women. E;R: Mwah, beautiful. Couldn’t have put it any better myself. All these brave wome… eh… Let’s see, one… hmm. He probably means Rey. And grandma. Ehh… It’s all plenty multicultural, though. We’ve got orphan culture, blind culture… uh… brown culture…? What, no gays? Wait, wait, wait, here we go. Here’s another tweet by Chris of the Loyalist Alliance insignia with a safety pin put through it, because lately the safety pin thing’s caught on as a symbol of “solidarity with persecuted minorities.” Excluding the inherent irony about minorities, the best part about it is… get this… [Trying to contain laughter] that the safety pin has been code for “I want it up the ass with a condom on” since the fucking 80s! [Normally] So I guess that’s a bit of gay culture squeezed up your puckered asshole for ya.
But wait! There’s more! Chris also tweeted out this article by Brett White from Comic Book Resources, which compared Rogue Wan to the recent U.S. election. You can take a wiiiild guess about who Brett WHITE MALE was in favor for. Because he’s gay. I put a link to his article in the description and I encourage folks to give his article a quick skim-through, just to get an idea of Chris’s mindset and what he wanted for Rogue Wan. And remember, viewer: I’m not the one politicizing this film. The film’s writer did. He went out of his way to associate his movie with a political message. I’m merely pointing that fact out. And hey, if you’re fine with this kind of politicization of mainstream entertainment, kudos. But that means you open the door to rabble-rousers like myself to partake in the discussion.
It’s not a one-sided thing. All narratives have an ideological bent of some kind or another —hence why they’re narratives— but there’s a price to pay for proclaiming those beliefs so openly and so explicitly. Even if you are “against hate,” Chris, that means you are still trying to fight against an “other,” who is not like you. It is an inherently combative statement, one that requires an enemy for it to work. It’s a proposition of opposition. And I’m happy to fulfill that role for you, Chris. Delighted, even. Interestingly enough, for all this talk of white supremacists, there seem to be a lot of white people with the reins to this franchise right now, doesn’t there? Which seems a touch hypocritical… Or… no, upon closer inspection, a good few of them appear to be of Gem ancestry, actually. Such as Jew Jew Binks, who directed The Farce Engorges and co-wrote it with another Gem, Lawrence Kasdan.
Now we have another Gem, Chris Weitz, co-writing the next installment. So you might be wondering, what’re the odds that three Gems would direct and/or write two of the guaranteed hit movies in the biggest movie franchise of all time? Let’s do the math. According to Pew Research in 2013, altogether, including Gems who adhere to Homeworld Jewelry and those who’ve defected to be Crystal Gems, there were about 9 million adult* Gems in the U.S, give or take. According to the US Census Bureau, there were 319 million people living in the United States in 2014. Punch that in and Gems are about 2.8% of the population. We’ll round that up to 3%. They are too many variables to REALLY crunch the numbers on the likelihood of Gems obtaining Star Wars, but they seem to take up a lot of space in Hollywood for only 3-4% of the population, don’t they? It begs the question: where are the black Star Wars directors or writers? The Hispanic ones? Are you telling me not one Asian director/writer has made the cut? Because I can’t find them. Instead, relative to demographics, it’s an overwhelming majority of Gem writers and directors.
Huh. Homeworld’s got this shit under wraps, don’t they? And daaamn! The soon-to-be ninth installment will also be directed and written by a Gem. Man, this is crazy! Leave some for the rest, guys, haha. No, seriously. I’m just kidding, guys. I’ll cool it with the anti-Gemitic remarks. Nothing against the Gems. I love Gems. JYN: This is— CHLOE FROM Life is Strange: hella— JYN: isn't it? [WHAM, WHAM, WHAM!] [Cocks blaster rifle] [Explosion] I— CHLOE: hella. E;R: Like I said in The Farce Engorges video, I’m not that much of a fan of the original Star Wars trilogy. That’s because I didn’t grow up with it. All I saw as a kid were the prequels, and they confused the hell out of me. I couldn’t really conceptualize how this little kid and this guy were the same person because Padmé didn’t age between Phantom Menace and Clones.
So I’d no idea what the fuck was going on. PADMÉ FROM Star Wars: Attack of the Clones: Ani? My goodness, you've grown! ANAKIN SKYWALKER: So have you. ANAKIN SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: LIAR! E;R: I only saw the original trilogy a few years ago and it was like seeing Dragonball for the first time in my teens. I saw the competency, I saw the influence of archetypes, I saw the obscene marketability, I saw how it’s just cheesy enough for multi-generational appeal, which I greatly respect, and they both deserve credit for doing a lot of things exactly right. But they’re not for me. They seem like things you’re better off growing up with, which I didn’t. But at this far down the rabbit hole, I can’t for the life of me understand how anyone but the most deluded could be a genuine fan of this franchise as it pertains to movies.
More to the point, the Star Wars franchise has put out 5 huge stinkers since the last good installment. There now exist more bad Star Wars movies than good or okay ones, and I’ve no reason to believe that this trend will reverse. Even if it does, the bad ones are a permanent stain on the Star Wars legacy. Now whenever someone says, “I like Star Wars,” it’s with an asterisk. “I like Star Wars. Except for…” Now, you can debate the merits of the prequels and/or The Farce Engorges all you want. You can do that all day long, you wretched, unloved miscreant. But you can’t exactly deny that these films have created huge rifts within the Star Wars fan-base. You might label this a coincidence. You might label this as the fan-base being a bunch of ingrates. I do not. For one simple reason: Those movies…
are unnecessary. What was Star Wars about? I don’t mean what it came to be about; I mean that, when it began, what was it about? And that’s easy. Luke. MARK HAMILL: He's very simple, very naïve, very straightforward, umm… He's that… that classic character in literature that doesn't want to stay on the farm, and wants to see what's beyond, y'know… get off the farm, and go have a little adventure. E;R: In other words, it was about Luke going on an adventure of a lifetime and stopping the bad guys. That’s it. That’s what A New Hope was about. That’s marginally what The Empire Strikes Back was about, and that’s what Return of the Jedi was about. Even those last two iterations were stretching it. Hey, a little trivia for you: Darth Vader? Wasn’t originally supposed to be Luke’s father. [Buzzer] TROY MAXSON FROM Fences: Where the hell do you think you're going? Come here, boy, I wanna talk to you! Straighten up, goddammit! I asked you a question! NERD: No, but you misunderstand, E;R.
“Vader” is Dutch for “father”! E;R: Ah, yes, I forgot about the rich narrative influence the Netherlands had over Star Wars. You can see it elsewhere in… um… I think this guy's nickname is Dutch? Might be Hutch? I dunno. Fuck, you know, it’s like how “darth” is a corruption of “dark.” Such genius, it could only be intentional. In all likelihood, “Vader” came from “INvader.” Just like "Sidious" comes from “INsidious.” Darth was never meant to be a Sith honorific, either. PRINCESS LEIA FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: Vader, only you could— Darth was never meant to be a Sith honorific, either. PRINCESS LEIA FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: Vader, only you could— DARTH VADER: Respect my pronouns. LEIA: Darth Vader. BEN KENOBI: A young Jedi named Darth Vader… who was a pupil of mine, until he turned to evil. ADMIRAL MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion— E;R: It’s also Dutch for “I’m worth 5 billion because I’m good at making up shit.
” Also, Daddy Vader is nowhere in the original Empire Strikes Back script. That’s a liiittle bit tremendously damning. Leia wasn’t even Luke’s sister, guys. LUKE SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: My sister. It's you, Leia. LEIA: Somehow… I've always known. AUSTIN POWERS FROM Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: Yeah, baby! E;R: Would explain a thing or two, wouldn’t it? GEORGE LUCAS: And who she's going to end up with is still anybody's guess. I will say that Luke is more devoted to her, I think, than Han Solo is. MARK HAMILL: She's really a chump if she goes for Han Solo. [Ear rape] E;R: The greatest mythology George ever concocted was the myth that he intended for Star Wars to become this huge space opera epic that it has. Yeah, he didn’t have 12 Star Wars films planned from the beginning.
He had one. Instead, it seems many times more likely that the film he initially had a disturbing lack of faith in was a surprise hit and then he capitalized on that as best he knew how. There’s a well-sourced book by Michael Kaminski called The Secret History of Star Wars that goes into detail about all this and how George has been selling an alternative history of Star Wars' origins. I recommend it if you want to see how it all really went down. GEORGE LUCAS: I mean, spa—we call it a "space opera," but it— people don't realize that it's actually a soap opera. And its all about… family problems and… that kinda— It's not about spaceships. Not about spaceships. E;R: I’ve gotten off-track, but hey, so did Star Wars. TV ANNOUNCER: The producer of Star Wars, Gary Kurtz.
GARY KURTZ: We had a lot of… TV ANNOUNCER: The producer of Star Wars, Gary Kurtz. GARY KURTZ: We had a lot of… of speculation about sequels to Star Wars, and… we are working on story material that will develop into potentially one or more… motion pictures… that will use the same characters. I like to consider them different adventures, rather than direct sequels. E;R: It was never meant to be a trilogy and only by some chance, some luck, and a lot skill did it sorta kinda work. But that luck ran out in the prequels. George took his lying too far. I don’t care what you think you think; no one believes George planned for C3PO to be Darth Vader’s creation. MR. MEESEEKS FROM Rick and Morty: We are created to serve a singular purpose, for which we will go to any length to fulfill! E;R: No one believes the clones mentioned in A New Hope— LUKE SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: You fought in the Clone War? E;R: —were the original stormtroopers.
Seriously, my Farce Engorges comment section is proof of that. No one believes this… OBI-WAN KENOBI FROM Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: Not this time. And this time, you won't escape. ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Artoo. [R2D2 goes haywire] LUKE SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: A New Hope: Then the droid does belong to you. BEN KENOBI: Don't seem to ever remember owning a droid. E;R: And no one believes Vader wears the mask because he did a flip into a lightsaber and got both his legs AND an arm chopped off in one swing. [Anakin screaming as he's flying towards Obi-Wan] ANAKIN SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: The Phantom Menace: I'll try spinning! [Anakin screaming as he's flying towards Obi-Wan] [Anakin screaming as he's flying towards Obi-Wan] That's a good— [Anakin screaming as he's flying towards Obi-Wan] [Anakin screaming as he's flying towards Obi-Wan] [Anakin screaming in pain] ANAKIN SKYWALKER FROM Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, SCREAMING: I HATE YOU! E;R: I’m sorry, prequel lovers, but that line sends me into a fit of giggles every time. Also the fact that his former best friend leaves him to be burned alive in lava.
Doesn’t help him despite that he’s unarmed AYUMI OTOSAKA FROM Charlotte: Hue, hue! E;R: —and doesn’t even mercy kill him. The prequels are one big ash heap of out-‘n-out lies. And hey, maybe you still like them. Maybe you don’t. The fact remains that they have almost nothing to do with Luke Skywalker or A New Hope. They’re unnecessary extensions of a story that ended a long time ago, in an era increasingly far away. CHILD: No! No, no, no! NO! E;R: This is why I still think Jew Jew played the Star Wars audience quite brilliantly. He didn’t even bother with a genuine extension of the Star Wars story; he just redid the original. You’d think that would be a strike AGAINST him as a creator, wouldn’t you? But no, that’s the brilliance of it. “It’s re-inventing Star Wars for younger audiences!” “It was still fun, even if it was a copy!" “It was refreshing!” “Star Wars isn’t for the fans anymore; it’s for everyone!” Yeeep. Gareth Edwards of Rogue Wan is, sadly, following in his footsteps, although perhaps with more authenticity.
"It's Star Wars… but like a war movie!" Folks will gobble it up, then years later be completely blindsided when Disney announces they're making a live-action remake of Moana. I'm not really blaming Gareth, either. If Disney approached me and said, ROBOT: We need you to write and/or direct our next Star Wars film. E;R: well, you'd best believe I'd take their money like the money like the most enthusiastic —but high-class— whore you'd ever done seen. And sure, I'd essentially try to Evangelion 3;0 You (Won't) Be Re-Doing This, Slug-Fucks the whole thing, just to shit down as many throats as possible. But I'd still do it. I don't think those were quite Gareth's intentions, but I can't fault the man for making the single best move he could possibly make for his career.
GARETH EDWARDS: It's the best job offer of my life. I have to do it, like it's just like it's the second they offered it, it was like, checkmate. E;R: Doesn’t mean I have to like his movie, though. Rogue Wan can be the best Star Wars film to ever grave this dirtball, and it’ll STILL be unnecessary to telling the story of Luke. “Stop focusing on the originals! Star Wars is so much bigger than that now!" But it was never supposed to be bigger than Luke, and it’s grown so far from him that it feels like there is no direction or purpose to any of it anymore. It has become less of a story with a beginning, middle, end, and more like a universe for a category of Fanfiction.net, where anyone can take the setting and characters and write their own little scenarios for them. I don’t mind a bit of fanfiction that calls itself fanfiction, but that’ll never be the case here.
Because Star Wars is Disney’s property now, and when Disney obtains the rights to something… they NEVER let them go. I hope you can accept that they're going to keep this thing on life-support until they’ve squeezed every last cent they can from it. Then they’re going to keep it going for even longer, just to be sure that the well’s truly run dry. But make no mistake. Star Wars as a movie franchise was finished, at the latest, in 1983. Now you’re only watching its puppeted corpse be paraded about. [Ominous music playing] [Mickey Mouse being Force-choked] DARTH VADER FROM Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: You have failed me for the last time. E;R: At least Disney CEO Bob Iger liked it, and he’s gonna make a pretty penny off— [John William's Cantina Band playing] [Shinji Ikari from The End of Evangelion panting] [Shinji groaning] [Hospital machine beeps] [Hospital machine beeps] [Hospital machine beeps] [Hospital machine beeps].