/National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Trailer

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Trailer

Video: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Trailer

Subtitles

♪ IT'S THAT TIME ♪ ♪ CHRISTMASTIME IS HERE ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE'S NOT A BETTER TIME OF YEAR ♪ ♪ HEAR THAT SLEIGH ♪ ♪ SANTA'S ON HIS WAY ♪ ♪ HIP, HIP, HOORAY FOR CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ GOT A TON OF STUFF TO CELEBRATE ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S GETTING CLOSER, I CAN'T WAIT ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ GONNA MAKE THIS HOLIDAY ♪ ♪ AS PERFECT AS CAN BE ♪ ♪ JUST WAIT AND SEE THIS CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ THIS OLD HOUSE ♪ ♪ SURE IS LOOKIN' GOOD ♪ ♪ GOT OURSELVES THE FINEST SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ AIN'T IT FUN ♪ ♪ ALWAYS ON THE RUN ♪ ♪ THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE ON CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL DECK THE HALLS ♪ ♪ AND LIGHT THE LIGHTS ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ GET A TOASTY FIRE BURNIN' BRIGHT ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ GIVE ST.

NICK THE WARMEST WELCOME ♪ ♪ THAT HE'S EVER HAD ♪ ♪ WE'RE SO GLAD IT'S CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE NIGHTS ARE PEACEFUL AND SERENE ♪ ♪ WE CAN CUDDLE UP ♪ ♪ AND DO OUR CHRISTMAS DREAMIN' ♪ ♪ PEACE AND JOY AND LOVE ARE EVERYWHERE ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FEEL THE MAGIC IN THE AIR ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ LET THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON ♪ ♪ CARRY US AWAY ♪ ♪ HIP, HIP, HOORAY FOR CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ WE'RE SO GLAD IT'S CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ OOH ♪♪ ♪ OH, COME LET US ADORE HIM ♪ ♪ CHRIST THE LORD ♪♪ THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ TAKE IT, RUSS. ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪♪ EXPLAIN AGAIN WHAT WE'RE DOING. WE'RE KICKING OFF OUR FAMILY CHRISTMAS BY HEADING OUT INTO THE COUNTRY IN THE OLD FRONT-WHEEL DRIVE SLEIGH TO EMBRACE THE FROSTY WINTER LANDSCAPE AND SELECT THAT MOST IMPORTANT OF CHRISTMAS SYMBOLS. WE'RE NOT DRIVING HERE SO YOU CAN GET ONE OF THOSE STUPID TIES WITH SANTA CLAUSES ON IT, ARE WE, DAD? NO. I HAVE ONE AT HOME. WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR TODAY IS THE GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. ♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ AND A HAPPY– ♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER? JACKASS IS RIDING MY TAIL.

SLOW DOWN, AND LET HIM PASS. ♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS– ♪♪ [HONK] CLARK. DON'T PROVOKE THEM. HEY, KIDS, LOOK, A DEER. CLARK. SLOW DOWN! YOU WANT TO RIDE BEHIND SOMEBODY WHO DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I'LL PULL AROUND THEM AND LEAVE THEM SAFELY BEHIND US. BURN SOME DUST HERE. EAT MY RUBBER. DAD, I THINK WHAT YOU MEAN IS BURN RUBBER AND EAT MY DUST. WHATEVER, RUSS. WHATEVER. EAT MY ROAD, RED LIVER LIPS! OK, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT. [HONK] SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS TREES, WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FIRST KIND OF TREE DISPLAYED AT THE WHITE HOUSE WAS? DAD, THEY'RE BACK. CLARK, STOP IT. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS DEAD. HONEY, PLEASE. I'LL DO THE DRIVING, OK? TAKE IT EASY, ELLEN. I'M IN COMPLETE CONTROL. GET AROUND THIS EGG-TIMER. UH, DAD, DAD.

THANK GOD WE'RE ALL RIGHT. CLARK, WE'RE STUCK UNDER A TRUCK. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? YOU GUYS, DON'T FIGHT. I DIDN'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE. OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME. AND FORGIVE MY HUSBAND. HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. AMEN. OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! MADE PRETTY GOOD TIME. DAD, DIDN'T THEY INVENT CHRISTMAS TREE LOTS SO PEOPLE WON'T HAVE TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY OUT TO NOWHERE AND WASTE A SATURDAY? THEY INVENTED THEM, RUSS, BECAUSE PEOPLE FORGOT HOW TO HAVE A FAMILY CHRISTMAS AND ARE SATISFIED WITH DEAD OVERPRICED TREES THAT HAVE NO SPECIAL MEANING. MY TOES ARE NUMB. THIS IS WHAT OUR FOREFATHERS DID. I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG. THEY WALKED INTO THE WOODS, THEY PICKED THAT SPECIAL TREE, AND CUT IT WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. MOM, I CAN'T FEEL MY HIPS. CLARK, AUDREY'S FROZEN FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE EXPERIENCE, HONEY. THERE IT IS. THE GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. ISN'T IT A LITTLE BIG? IT'S NOT BIG. IT'S JUST…FULL. THAT THING WOULDN'T FIT IN OUR YARD. IT'S NOT GOING IN OUR YARD, RUSS. IT'S GOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM. [TEETH CHATTERING] LOOK AT IT. REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL, CLARK. SOMETHING ELSE, HUH, RUSS? YEAH, DAD. ISN'T IT A BEAUT, AUDREY? SHE'LL SEE IT LATER. HER EYES ARE FROZEN. MOST ENDURING TRADITIONS OF THE SEASON ARE BEST ENJOYED IN THE WARM EMBRACE OF KITH AND KIN. THITH TREE IS A SYMBOL OF THE THPIRIT OF THE GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRITHMATH. DAD, DID YOU BRING A SAW? LOOKS LIKE THE TOAD OVERESTIMATED THE HEIGHT OF HIS LIVING ROOM CEILNG. HEY, GRISWOLD. WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING A TREE THAT BIG? BEND OVER AND I'LL SHOW YOU. YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT. I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. CLARK? YOU THINK THERE'S ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE ANGEL? SURE, HONEY. I HAVE A LITTLE MORE TRIMMING TO DO, BUT THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

READY? I GIVE YOU THE GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. THERE'S A LOT OF SAP IN HERE. LOOKS GREAT. A LITTLE FULL. A LOT OF SAP. DID I TELL YOU I TALKED TO MY MOTHER? AND? THEY'VE DECIDED THEY'RE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS, TOO. IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE OUR PLANS. NO, NO. THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE FORGETTING HOW DIFFICULT IT IS HAVING EVERYBODY HERE AT THE SAME TIME. THEY'RE FAMILY, NOT STRANGERS OFF THE STREET. ALL THEY DO IS ARGUE. CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT RESOLVING DIFFERENCES AND SEEING THROUGH THE PETTY PROBLEMS OF FAMILY LIFE. IT'S ABOUT MY MOTHER ACCUSING YOUR MOTHER OF BUYING CHEAP HOT DOGS. YOUR MOTHER ACCUSING MY MOTHER OF WAXING HER UPPER LIP. YOUR MOTHER WAXES HER UPPER LIP? SHE HAS FOR YEARS. HMM. DOESN'T SHOW. I DON'T KNOW, SPARKY, I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING– I WANT TO HAVE CHRISTMAS HERE IN OUR HOUSE. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. ALL MY LIFE I'VE WANTED A BIG FAMILY CHRISTMAS. I KNOW HOW YOU BUILD THINGS UP IN YOUR MIND.

YOU SET STANDARDS THAT NO FAMILY EVENT CAN EVER LIVE UP TO. WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE THAT? PARTIES… WEDDINGS… ANNIVERSARIES… GOOD NIGHT, HONEY. FUNERALS… HOLIDAYS… VACATIONS… GRADUATIONS… YOU'LL BE LOOKING AT A FAT CHRISTMAS BONUS THIS YEAR, HUH? YOU'RE AN EXCELLENT CHOICE TO BE NAMED FOOD ADDITIVE DESIGNER OF THE YEAR. NAH. I'M NOT KIDDING. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AT FOOD AND DRUG? OH, THE CRUNCH ENHANCER? IT'S A NONNUTRITIVE CEREAL VARNISH. IT'S SEMIPERMEABLE, NOT OSMOTIC. IT SEALS THE FLAKE AND PREVENTS MILK PENETRATION. YEAH. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL PRODUCT. I LIKE IT. YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BONUS CHECK? BLOWING IT ON YOURSELF? ME? NO. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. I HOPE MY CHRISTMAS BONUS CHECK WILL COVER IT. MY GOD, YOU'RE PUTTING IN A POOL. I PUT A $7,500 DEPOSIT ON IT. YOU'RE THE LAST TRUE FAMILY MAN. MARK! HMM? CLARK.

THAT'S BILL, SIR. YOU'RE WORKING ON THAT NONNUTRITIVE CEREAL VARNISH? YES, SIR. I'M SPEAKING TO A TRADE GROUP. I'D LIKE TO MENTION IT. WRITE UP A SUMMARY FOR ME. MY PLEASURE. LAYMAN'S TERMS. NONE OF THAT INSIDE BULLSHIT JARGON NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. YES, SIR. OH, MR. SHIRLEY. WE GOT YOUR CHRISTMAS CARD. MY FAMILY AND I ARE FLATTERED YOU REMEMBERED US. CORPORATE CARDS. DON'T FORGET THAT REPORT, BILL. YES, SIR. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. KISS MY ASS. KISS HIS ASS. KISS YOUR ASS. HAPPY HANUKKAH. ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ HEY, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS ♪♪ CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING? I WAS JUST, UH.

.. SMELLING– SMILING! I WAS JUST BLOUSE– BROWSING. FOR YOUR WIFE OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND? WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? I GUESS THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY– OH! IT WOULDN'T BE THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON IF THE STORES WERE ANY LESS HOOTER– HOTTER THAN THEY ARE. YOUR COAT'S ON. DO I? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? BECAUSE IT'S COLD OUT. YES! YES! IT'S A BIT NIPPLY OUT. I MEAN NIPPY OUT. WHAT AM I SAYING, NIPPLE? THERE IS A NIP IN THE AIR, THOUGH. CAN I TAKE SOMETHING OUT FOR YOU? AH, I WAS JUST, UH… I WAS JUST LOOKING AT SOMETHING FOR MY WIFE. GOD REST HER SOUL. GOD, I'M SO SORRY. OH, NO. NO. SHE'S NOT DEAD YET. WE'RE JUST DIVORCED. SHE'S HISTORY. AND OBVIOUSLY SHE DOESN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR. THERE ARE PLENTY OF SHOPPING DAYS LEFT UNTIL ADULTERY–ADULTHOOD, WHICH IS TO SAY CHRISTMAS, AS IN YULE–YULE LOG.

I DON'T HAVE A LOG. IF I HAD A LOG, NOT IN THE SENSE YOU THINK I SAID I DID. GOOD GOLLY. 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE MERRY. WELL, THAT'S MY NAME. NO SHIT. WHAT DO THESE DO? THEY CLIP ON HERE? DOWN THERE? WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY IT? SURE. THESE ARE CUT REALLY HIGH ON THE HIP. LOOK. I'M WEARING SOMETHING SIMILAR. YOU CAN'T SEE THE LINE. YOU CAN'T SEE THE LINE. NO. IT'S A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. LOOK, DADDY. TINKER SAYS, "EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS." [DOORBELL CHIMES] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] [DING-DONG] HO HO HO HO. [DING-DONG] [LOUD VOICES] [DING] [DONG] FOLKS! FOLKS! FOLKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HEY! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HI. HOW ARE YOU? THERE HE IS! LOOK HOW BIG YOU GOT. MERRY CHRISTMAS. AH, MOM. KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

.. YOU PROMISE? YOU PROMISE? THEY TOOK FLUID OUT OF MY BACK. YOU THINK THE SMALL OF MY NECK IS CHANGING COLOR? YOU KEEP TOUCHING IT, IT'S GETTING REDDER. I GOT HEMORRHOIDS. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE? YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE GARAGE SPACE. I'M DOING THE PARKING. THEY'RE NUTS. I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY, MOM. SWEETHEART, YOUR GRANDMA HAS A REAL PAINFUL BURR. IF YOU RUB IT, I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER. A QUARTER! AUDREY, TOO. I WANT MY CAR IN THE GARAGE. I'LL PARK THE CARS. THIS IS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT. I'LL, UH, PARK THE CARS AND… CHECK THE LUGGAGE AND… I'LL BE OUTSIDE FOR THE SEASON. WE'LL HAVE THE BEST-LOOKING HOUSE IN TOWN. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THIS. IT'S A LOT OF LIGHTS. IT'S A LOT OF WORK, TOO, BUT I'M COMMITTED TO DOING IT RIGHT, AND WE'RE GOING TO DO IT BIG. YOU WANT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, DON'T YOU? YEAH.

I GUESS SO. SURE, YOU DO. THINK YOU MIGHT BE OVERDOING IT, DAD? RUSS, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I OVERDID ANYTHING? COME ON. UNRAVEL THESE. YOU HAVE TO CHECK EVERY BULB. OOPS! A LITTLE KNOT HERE. YOU WORK ON THAT. I'LL GET THE OTHER BOX. I HOPE HE FALLS AND BREAKS HIS NECK. I DON'T THINK WE'RE LUCKY ENOUGH. LET'S GO. THESE GUSTY WINDS ARE PLAYING HAVOC WITH THAT GIANT NUTCRACKER FLOAT. AT THIS POINT, I CAN'T EVEN SEE THE NUTS. THEY MUST HAVE BLOWN AWAY. NOTHING'S GOING TO DAMPEN THE SPIRIT OF THIS HOLIDAY CROWD. OH, HERE THEY ARE. HERE COME THE NUTS. THEY STILL LOOK LIKE GIANT NUTS TO ME. ONCE THE WINDS WERE SO HIGH HERE, WE ALMOST LOST SANTA'S REINDEER. RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE TOOK OUT A THIRD-FLOOR WINDOW AT MARSHALL FIELD'S.

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KEEP YOUR EYES ON THOSE NUTS– WOULD IT BE INDECENT TO ASK THE GRANDPARENTS TO STAY AT A HOTEL? AUDREY. CAN WE FORBID THEM TO ANSWER THE PHONE? ALEXANDER CALLED. GRANDPA CLARK TOLD HIM I COULDN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM. WE'RE ALL MAKING SACRIFICES, AUDREY? EVERYBODY? DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR BROTHER? YOU KNOW HOW TWISTED THAT IS? I'M SLEEPING WITH YOUR FATHER. DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC. I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT HE DOES IN BED WHEN I'M NOT THERE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, EXCEPT IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND WE'RE ALL IN MISERY. ELLEN? ARE YOU SMOKING AGAIN? NO. OW. HEY, DAD, WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE REINDEER? JUST PUT THEM ON THE LAWN. CAN'T FIND THE SANTA CLAUS. IT'S IN THE BASEMENT. WE'LL GET IT LATER. YEOW! YEOW! OH! CLARK? DINNER'S READY. OK, HONEY. I'M STARVING.

[SPITS] [SPITS] OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING HAD TO BREAK THE WINDOW. SOMETHING HAD TO HIT THE STEREO. AND WHY IS THE CARPET ALL WET, TODD? I DON'T KNOW, MARGO. YOU WANT TO HURRY THIS UP, CLARK? I'M FREEZING MY BAGUETTES OFF. 250 STRANDS OF LIGHTS– 100 INDIVIDUAL BULBS PER STRAND– FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 25,000 IMPORTED ITALIAN TWINKLE LIGHTS. YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! 25,000. I HOPE NOBODY I KNOW DRIVES BY AND SEES ME STARING AT THE HOUSE IN MY PAJAMAS. IF THEY KNOW CLARK, THEY WON'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT. FIRE IT UP, DAD. I DEDICATE THIS HOUSE TO THE GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS. OH. OH. OH. DRUM ROLL, PLEASE. DRUM ROLL. OH, OH, UH… [IMITATES DRUM ROLL] ♪ JOY TO THE WORLD ♪♪ [CYMBALS CRASH] [BURP] BEAUTIFUL, CLARK. TALK ABOUT PISSING YOUR MONEY AWAY.

I HOPE YOU KIDS SEE WHAT A SILLY WASTE OF RESOURCES THIS WAS. HE WORKED REALLY HARD, GRANDMA. SO DO WASHING MACHINES. LET'S GET IN WHERE IT'S WARM. CLARK, BABY, I CAN PICTURE IT IN MY MIND, AND IT'S BREATHTAKING. THANKS, MOM. IT'S PROBABLY A BAD BULB, SON. IF ONE GOES OUT, THE WHOLE THING DOESN'T WORK. IF I WERE YOU, I'D PERSONALLY CHECK EACH ONE. I DID THAT, DAD. I CAN'T– IF YOU NEED ANY HELP, GIVE ME A HOLLER. I'LL BE UPSTAIRS ASLEEP. THANKS. SORRY, DADDY. IT LOOKS GOOD EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT LIT. THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. WELL, DAD, IT WAS A GOOD TRY. THANKS, RUSS. RUSS? YEAH? WE CHECKED EVERY BULB, DIDN'T WE? OH, YEAH. YEAH, I'M SURE OF IT. I THOUGHT SO. WELL… MAYBE WE OUGHT TO GO UP AND GET– WHOA, JEEZ! LOOK AT THE TIME. I GOT TO GET TO BED, BRUSH MY TEETH, FEED THE HOG, STILL GOT SOME HOMEWORK TO DO, DO THE LAUNDRY, WASH THE CAR, STILL GOT THOSE BILLS TO PAY. CLARK..

. DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE. ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪ ♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL IS CALM ♪ GET OFF ME, YOU LITTLE FUNGUS. ♪ ALL IS BRIGHT ♪ ♪ 'ROUND YON VIRGIN ♪ ♪ MOTHER AND CHILD ♪ ♪ HOLY INFANT SO TENDER AND MILD ♪ ♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪ ♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪♪ OH, GOD, WHERE THE HELL IS THAT COLD COMING FROM? OOH. OH. HEY. HEY. HELLO? I NEED TO GET JUST A FEW MORE GIFTS. PAY BY CHECK. NOT A CARD? NO. IT'S A HASSLE TO RETURN THINGS THEN. RUSS! [HORN HONKS] HELP! DADDY, IS CLARK COMING? HOW WOULD I KNOW? IS HE IN THE HOUSE? IF HE ISN'T FARTING AROUND WITH THOSE LIGHTS. I'M SURE HE WANTS TO COME SHOPPING AND LUNCH WITH US. HE'S GOT ANOTHER CAR. I HAVE TO EAT SO I CAN TAKE MY BACK PILL. [CAR ENGINE STARTS] ELLEN! HEY! ELLEN! ♪ CHRISTMAS IS THE TIME OF YEAR ♪ ♪ FOR BEING WITH THE ONES WE LOVE ♪ ♪ SHARING SO MUCH JOY AND CHEER ♪ ♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELIN' ♪ ♪ WATCHIN' THE ONES WE LOVE ♪ ♪ HAVING SO MUCH FUN ♪ ♪ I WAS SITTIN' BY THE FIRESIDE ♪ ♪ TAKING A WALK THROUGH THE SNOW ♪ ♪ LISTENIN' TO A CHILDREN'S CHOIR ♪ ♪ SINGING SONGS ABOUT JESUS ♪ ♪ AND THE BLESSED WAY THAT HE CAME TO US ♪ ♪ WHY CAN'T IT REMAIN ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ ALL THROUGH THE YEAR ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ EACH DAY THE SAME ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ AW, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ HEH HEH ♪♪ I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF THESE CLOTHES, GET A GLASS OF WINE, AND KISS EVERY SQUARE INCH OF YOUR BODY.

AFTER YOU SHOWER, OF COURSE. SPARKY? YES, HONEY. ARE YOU OUT HERE FOR A REASON OR JUST AVOIDING THE FAMILY? NO. I STILL HAVE A FEW HUNDRED BULBS TO CHECK. MEANTIME, I CAN LIGHT THE SANTA, THE EIGHT REINDEER, AND THE MERRY CHRISTMAS SIGN. THAT SHOULD LOOK GOOD. READY? YOU WANT ME TO DO THE DRUM ROLL? NO, IT'S OK. HERE GOES NOTHING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. THE HOUSE LIGHTS DON'T WORK. THE FLOODLIGHTS DON'T WORK. WELL…IS IT PLUGGED IN? YOU THINK I WOULD CHECK THOUSANDS OF LIGHTS IF I WASN'T SURE THE EXTENSION CORD WAS PLUGGED IN? YOU USED MORE THAN ONE CORD, DIDN'T YOU? MAYBE THE KIDS HAVE BEEN FOOLING AROUND WITH IT. I'LL CHECK IN BACK. CLARK? OW! TODD! I'M SORRY. CLARK! HONEY, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. [SIREN WAILS] I CAN'T SEE. NO, NO, NO, NO, LOOK OUT! THIS OUGHT TO DO IT. OH! ELLEN, I FIXED IT! THE LIGHT. OH, GOD! EVERYBODY, COME OUT QUICK! LOOK AT THE LIGHTS! GET A TOWEL.

OK! WHOA! WAIT, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. WHAT'S ALL THE YELLING ABOUT? WHAT THE– WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 25,000 TWINKLE LIGHTS. WHAT'S HE DOING, CLARK? I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS? DAMN IT! DAMN IT! AAH! AAH! AAH! ♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH… ♪ DAD, IT'S INCREDIBLE! ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪ LORD GOD, OUR GOD AND KING ♪ ♪ O, LET US PRAISE HIM ♪ ♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH… ♪ MY CARPET. ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪♪ OH, CLARK, IT'S SO LOVELY. MOM… YOU DESERVE A HOME LIKE THIS TO SPEND CHRISTMAS IN. IT'S A BEAUT, CLARK! IT'S A BEAUT! DAD, DAD, DAD, YOU TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT EXTERIOR ILLUMINATION. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. RUSS, AUDREY. DEAR, DEAR FRANCIS.

.. I HOPE THIS ADDS TO YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE HOLIDAYS. OH, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL. YEAH. ARTHUR… ART… DAD, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. THE LITTLE LIGHTS ARE NOT TWINKLING. I KNOW, ART, AND THANKS FOR NOTICING. HOUSE SURE DOES LOOK SWELL, CLARK. THANKS, EDDIE. IT WOULD– ENHANCES YOUR HOLIDAY SPIRIT. DEAR CATHERINE– EDDIE? OH, THE HOUSE IS GORGEOUS, CLARK. EDDIE? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS ALL ON OUR ACCOUNT, CLARK. KIDS, COME ON OUT HERE AND SEE WHAT UNCLE CLARK'S DONE TO THE HOUSE. EDDIE? YEAH, IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER, THIS HERE IS ROCKY. YOU GOT A KISS FOR ME? YOU BETTER TAKE A RAIN CHECK ON THAT. HE'S GOT A LIP FUNGUS THEY AIN'T IDENTIFIED YET. YOU REMEMBER RUBY SUE? OH, YEAH. OH, MY GOSH… HER EYES AREN'T CROSSED ANYMORE. THAT'S SOMETHING, AIN'T IT? SHE FALLS IN A WELL, EYES GO CROSSED. A MULE KICKS HER, THEY GO BACK TO NORMAL. AND THIS HERE'S OUR PRIDE AND JOY…

SNOTS. PRETTY NAME, ED. WE NAMED HIM THAT BECAUSE HE'S GOT THIS SINUS CONDITION. SNOTS, YOU ROLL OVER AND LET UNCLE CLARK SCRATCH YOUR BELLY. YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN A SET LIKE THIS ONE'S GOT, CLARK. THAT'S OK, EDDIE. THAT'S SOMETHING, AIN'T IT? PET HIM ON THE BELLY, AND HE'LL LOVE YOU TILL YOU DIE. I SHOULDN'T. MY HANDS ARE CHAPPED. WE WERE GOING TO CALL, BUT EDDIE WANTED TO MAKE IT A SURPRISE. YEAH, ARE YOU SURPRISED? SURPRISED, EDDIE? IF I WOKE UP TOMORROW WITH MY HEAD SEWN TO THE CARPET, I WOULDN'T BE MORE SURPRISED. WE HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM… PLENTY OF TOWELS, PLENTY OF EVERYTHING. WE'RE PRETTY WELL SET UP HERE IN THE RV. IT'S A LITTLE TIGHT, BUT… WE DIDN'T COME TO IMPOSE. HELL, THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM. QUIT BEING SO DAMN POLITE, ED. WELL, CATHERINE AND I, WE'RE PRETTY COMFY IN THERE, BUT MAYBE YOU FOLKS WOULDN'T MIND THE YOUNGSTERS SHACKING UP WITH YOU. AFTER THAT LONG DRIVE, WE COULD USE A LITTLE PRIVATE TIME TOGETHER. HONEY, GET THE KIDS' THINGS.

DON'T FORGET THE RUBBER SHEETS AND THE GERBILS. COME ON, I WANT TO SHOW YOU THE HOME. AUDREY, AUDREY. ISN'T HE SOMETHING? [WHINING] THAT'S A HONEY OF A TREE, CLARK. IS IT REAL? YEAH. DUG IT OUT OF THE GROUND MYSELF. IS THAT A FACT? STOP! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. A LITTLE TREE WATER AIN'T GOING TO HURT HIM. BEFORE WE LEFT, HE DRANK SOME PENNZOIL. WHEN HE LIFTED HIS LEG THE NEXT MORNING… HO HO. EDDIE, IF HE DRINKS THE WATER, THE TREE WILL DRY UP. OUT. OUT. GET IN THE KITCHEN AND GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT. GO ON. HE'S CUTE, AIN'T HE? ONLY PROBLEM IS, HE'S GOT SOME MISSISSIPPI LEG HOUND IN HIM. IF THE MOOD CATCHES HIM RIGHT, HE'LL GRAB YOUR LEG AND GO TO TOWN. YOU DON'T WANT HIM AROUND IF YOU'RE WEARING SHORT PANTS. A WORD OF WARNING, THOUGH, IF HE DOES LAY INTO YOU, IT'S BEST TO JUST LET HIM FINISH.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ACTUALLY STANDING IN MY LIVING ROOM, EDDIE. NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME. YEAH, I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT, TOO. IT'S A CRYING SHAME THE OLDER KIDS COULDN'T MAKE IT. I'LL GET THAT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. LET ME DO IT. YEAH. I GOT THE DAUGHTER IN THE CLINIC, GETTING CURED OFF THE WILD TURKEY. AND THE OLDER BOY, BLESS HIS SOUL, IS PREPARING FOR HIS CAREER. COLLEGE? CARNIVAL. YOU GOT TO BE PROUD. OH, YEAH. LAST SEASON, HE WAS A DUST SPREADER ON THE TILT-A-WHIRL. MAYBE NEXT YEAR, HE'LL BE GUESSING PEOPLE'S WEIGHT OR BARKING FOR THE YAK WOMAN. YOU EVER SEE HER? NO. SHE'S GOT THESE BIG HORNS GROWING RIGHT OUT ABOVE HER EARS. SHE'S UGLY AS SIN. SWEET GAL AND A GOOD COOK. WANT MORE EGGNOG OR FOOD? DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD? I'M FINE.

JUST GLAD TO BE HERE. YEAH. SO, WHEN DID YOU GET THE TENEMENT ON WHEELS? OH, THAT THERE. THAT'S AN RV. I BORROWED IT OFF A BUDDY OF MINE. HE TOOK MY HOUSE. I TOOK THE RV. IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING VEHICLE, AIN'T IT? YEAH. LOOKS SO NICE PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH IT. WE'RE TAKING IT WHEN WE LEAVE HERE NEXT MONTH. GET HIM UP HERE TO LOOK OVER THESE FIGURES! RETOOLING– THAT'S A GREAT EXCUSE. RETOOLING. I'LL RETOOL YOU! MR. SHIRLEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS. WHO'S THAT? IT'S ME– CLARK GRISWOLD. WHAT DO YOU WANT? MY WIFE AND I CAME UP WITH A LITTLE SOMETHING SPECIAL–A GIFT. PUT IT OVER THERE WITH THE OTHERS, GREASEBALL. OH. BY THE WAY, I HOPE MY REPORT HELPED OUT AT THE TRADE SHOW.

I'M SURE IT DID, GRISBALD. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT CALL. GET ME SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. GET ME SOMEBODY WHILE I'M WAITING. THIS IS A NEW NONCALORIC SILICON-BASED KITCHEN LUBRICANT MY COMPANY'S BEEN WORKING ON. IT CREATES A SURFACE 500 TIMES MORE SLIPPERY THAN ANY COOKING OIL. WE'LL REALLY FLY DOWN THE HILL. HAS ANYONE EVER USED IT ON A SLED? NOT THAT I KNOW OF, RUSS. DON'T PUT THAT STUFF ON MY SLED, CLARK. YOU KNOW THAT METAL PLATE IN MY HEAD? HOW CAN I FORGET? IT WAS REPLACED BECAUSE EVERY TIME CATHERINE REVVED UP THE MICROWAVE, I'D PISS MY PANTS AND FORGET WHO I WAS. I HAVE A PLASTIC ONE NOW. IT AIN'T AS STRONG. SO I DON'T KNOW IF I OUGHT TO GO SAILING DOWN NO HILL WITH NOTHING BETWEEN THE GROUND AND MY BRAIN BUT SOME GOVERNMENT PLASTIC.

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DO YOU THINK IT MATTERS? WELL, YOU SEE, THE PLATE RUNS RIGHT UNDERNEATH MY PART HERE. AND OVER HERE, IT'S NOTHING. BUT HERE, IF THIS GETS DENTED, MY HAIR JUST WON'T LOOK RIGHT. I KNOW THE FEELING. I BETTER TRY THIS FIRST, SEE HOW IT WORKS. WELL, YOU BE CAREFUL, CLARK. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. GOING FOR A NEW AMATEUR RECREATIONAL SAUCER SLED LAND SPEED RECORD, CLARK W. GRISWOLD JR.! DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS. I AM A PROFESSIONAL. LATER, DUDES. LET HER RIP. HANG 10. OK! WHOA! HEY! HEY! WHOA! WHOA! HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK OUT! AAH! HEY! WHOA! BINGO. CLARK? YOU STAYING LATE? OH, HI, BILL. YEAH. JUST FINISHING UP A FEW THINGS. LAST DAY OF THE YEAR FOR ME. WELL, HAVE A REALLY MERRY CHRISTMAS. YOU, TOO. YOU OK? YEAH. BILL, YOU GET YOUR BONUS YET? I JUST TALKED TO MY SON. THE COMPANY MESSENGER BROUGHT SOMETHING TO THE HOUSE. NOTHING LIKE WAITING TILL THE LAST MINUTE, HUH? DID YOU GET YOURS? IF IT ISN'T AT HOME, IT'S ON ITS WAY. I DON'T GET THAT BONUS, I'M IN IT UP TO HERE. DON'T SWEAT IT.

IT'LL COME. MERRY CHRISTMAS. SAME TO YOU. [SPLASH] ♪ MELE KALIKIMAKA IS THE THING TO SAY ♪ ♪ ON A BRIGHT HAWAIIAN CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE ISLAND GREETING THAT WE SEND TO YOU ♪ ♪ FROM THE LAND WHERE PALM TREES SWAY ♪ ♪ HERE WE KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ WILL BE GREEN AND BRIGHT ♪ ♪ THE SUN TO SHINE BY DAY ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE STARS AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ MELE KALIKIMAKA IS HAWAII'S WAY ♪ ♪ TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ♪ ♪ MELE KALIKIMAKA IS THE THING TO SAY ♪ ♪ ON A BRIGHT HAWAIIAN CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE ISLAND GREETING ♪ ♪ THAT WE SEND TO YOU ♪ ♪ FROM THE LAND WHERE PALM TREES SWAY ♪ ♪ HERE WE KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ WILL BE GREEN AND BRIGHT ♪ ♪ THE SUN TO SHINE BY DAY ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE STARS AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ MELE KALIKIMAKA IS HAWAII'S WAY ♪ ♪ TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ♪ ♪ HERE WE KNOW ♪ ♪ THAT CHRISTMAS WILL BE GREEN AND BRIGHT ♪ ♪ THE SUN TO SHINE BY DAY ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE STARS AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ MELE KALIKIMAKA IS HAWAII'S WAY ♪ ♪ TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ♪♪ SANTY CLAUS! UNCLE CLARK, ARE YOU SANTY CLAUS? WHAT? OH.

YOU SCARED ME. NO, I'M–I'M NOT SANTA CLAUS. I WISH I WAS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP, SWEETHEART? ROCKY BIT MY THUMB. HUH? HIM'S NERVOUS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE. NERVOUS OR EXCITED? SHITTIN' BRICKS. YOU SHOULDN'T USE THAT WORD. SORRY. SHITTIN' ROCKS. HIM'S NERVOUS BECAUSE HE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GETTIN' NOTHIN'. I DON'T THINK HE SHOULD BE NERVOUS, AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE EITHER. IF YOU'RE GOOD, SANTA KNOWS IT. AND IF YOU BELIEVE IN HIM AND YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR MOM AND YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR…YOUR DAD, IF YOU'VE BEEN GOOD, SANTA CLAUS IS GOING TO BRING YOU SOMETHING. SOMETIMES I THINK ALL THAT SANTA CRAP IS JUST BULL. WHY DIDN'T WE GET SQUAT LAST YEAR? WE DIDN'T DO NOTHING, AND WE GOT THE SHAFT. WELL, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT SANTA CLAUS IS REAL. IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS, SOMEHOW I'M GOING TO PROVE IT TO YOU.

EVERY YEAR HE COMES TO OUR HOUSE. I'VE SEEN HIM. IT'S TRUE? CROSS MY HEART. IT'S A GOOD IDEA YOU CAME TO STAY WITH US, HUH? I LOVE IT HERE. YOU DON'T GOT TO PUT ON YOUR COAT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND YOUR HOUSE IS ALWAYS PARKED IN THE SAME PLACE. I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO BACK TO BED NOW. OK. HOW COME YOU AIN'T SLEEPIN'? OH, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. YOU DIDN'T NOTICE IF A MAN CAME HERE AND DELIVERED A LETTER TODAY, DID YOU? NOPE. HOW COME? WELL, JUST WONDERING. YOU GET BACK TO BED. COME HERE. UNCLE CLARK, ARE YOU SURE YOU AIN'T SANTY CLAUS? I'M SURE. I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO BE AN ELF. I HAD TWO– TWO CONTAINERS OF K-RATIONS. AND THEN I HAD SPAM. I HAD SPAM TILL IT WAS COMING OUT OF MY EARS. OH, BULLSHIT. AREN'T YOU HAVING ANY BREAKFAST? I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? OH, THE SILENT MAJESTY OF A WINTER'S MORN, THE CLEAN, COOL CHILL OF THE HOLIDAY AIR, AN ASSHOLE IN HIS BATHROBE EMPTYING A CHEMICAL TOILET INTO MY SEWER.

SHITTER WAS FULL. AH. YOU CHECKED OUR SHITTERS, HONEY? CLARK, PLEASE. HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. IT'S ILLEGAL. IT'S A STORM SEWER. IF IT FILLS WITH GAS, I PITY WHOEVER LIGHTS A MATCH NEAR IT. [BURPS] MERRY CHRISTMAS! SHITTER WAS FULL. I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE SUSPICION CATHERINE AND EDDIE DON'T HAVE PRESENTS FOR THEIR KIDS. ROCKY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT EDDIE TELLING HIM THAT SANTA CLAUS WASN'T COMING THIS YEAR. YEAH. RUBY SUE SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT LAST NIGHT. HOW CAN THEY HAVE NOTHING FOR THEM? HE HASN'T WORKED IN SEVEN YEARS. IN SEVEN YEARS, HE COULDN'T FIND A JOB? CATHERINE SAYS HE'S BEEN HOLDING OUT FOR A MANAGEMENT POSITION. HOW'S THE LIVE BAIT BUSINESS, EDDIE? OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN. HOW YOU DOING? NOT THAT GOOD, ACTUALLY. YOUR COMPANY KILL OFF ALL THEM PEOPLE IN INDIA NOT LONG AGO? NO. WE MISSED OUT ON THAT ONE.

YOU SET SO FAR AS SHOPPING GOES? I CAN'T LIE TO YOU, CLARK. THINGS AIN'T GOING TOO GOOD AT ALL. I TOLD YOU I BORROWED THE RV FROM MY NEIGHBOR. IT'S MINE. WE LIVE IN IT. HAD TO SELL OFF THE HOUSE, THE BARN, THE 10 ACRES. ALL I KEPT WAS A 50-FOOT PLOT, THE PIGS, AND THE WORM FARM. IF ONLY I HAD BACK THE MONEY ME AND CATHERINE SENT THAT TV PREACHER THAT WAS SCREWING THE HOCKEY PLAYERS. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? HIS KIDS CAN FEND FOR THEMSELVES. NO, YOUR KIDS. WELL, THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WE COASTED INTO TOWN ON FUMES. GAS MONEY GIVE OUT IN GURNEY. EDDIE. ELLEN AND I WANT TO HELP YOU GIVE THE KIDS A NICE CHRISTMAS. OH, CLARK, I COULDN'T DO THAT. NO, WE INSIST. OH, NO. I'M NOT ONE FOR CHARITY. OH, I KNOW THAT, EDDIE. THIS ISN'T CHARITY.

IT'S FAMILY. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THEY WANT, I'LL GET IT ON MY OWN. OH, BOY. THIS IS A SURPRISE, CLARK. THIS IS JUST A REAL NICE SURPRISE. JUST A REAL NICE SURPRISE. HERE'S A LITTLE LIST, ALPHABETICAL, STARTING WITH CATHERINE. AND IF IT WOULDN'T BE TOO MUCH, I'D LIKE TO GET SOMETHING FOR YOU, CLARK. SOMETHING REALLY NICE. IS YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE, CLARK? NO, BETHANY. THOSE ARE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. DON'T THROW ME DOWN, CLARK. I'LL TRY NOT TO. IS THIS THE AIRPORT, CLARK? WE'RE HERE! ME AND BETHANY FIGURED OUT THE PERFECT GIFT FOR YOU. OH, UNCLE LEWIS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BUY ME ANYTHING. DAMN IT, BETHANY, HE GUESSED IT. OH, THAT WAS FUN. I LOVE RIDING IN CARS. WHEN DID YOU MOVE TO FLORIDA? ELLEN, ARE YOU STILL DATING CLARK? OH, AUNT BETHANY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT. OH, DEAR, DID I BREAK WIND? JESUS, DID THE ROOM CLEAR OUT, BETHANY? HELL NO.

SHE MEANS PRESENTS. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT PRESENTS. IT ISN'T EVERY DAY SOMEBODY MOVES INTO A NEW HOUSE. THEY DIDN'T MOVE INTO A NEW HOUSE. UH, MOM. IN THE LIVING ROOM, RUSS. THIS HOUSE IS BIGGER THAN YOUR OLD ONE. IS RUSTY STILL IN THE NAVY? AUNT BETHANY, WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH FRANCIS AND CATHERINE AND SAY HELLO TO EVERYBODY? HELLO, EVERYBODY? I SHOULD SAY IT? YOU SHOULD SAY IT. HELLO, EVERYBODY. MOM? WHAT? THIS BOX IS MEOWING. LET ME SEE IT. [MEOW] SHE WRAPPED UP HER DAMN CAT. OPEN IT UP. WE'LL HAVE A CAT RUNNING AROUND. WE CAN'T LEAVE IT IN THE BOX. WHY WOULD SOMEBODY WRAP UP A CAT? SHE AND UNCLE LEWIS DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY, SO SHE GIVES AWAY THINGS FROM AROUND THE HOUSE. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT I GOT. THIS ONE HERE IS LEAKING. IT'S LIME. THAT WOULD BE HER JELL-O MOLD. I'LL TAKE IT, EDDIE. GO BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND ENJOY YOURSELF. COME ON, BOY. LET'S GO FIND YOUR SISTER.

[MEOW] BEFORE WE BEGIN, SINCE THIS IS AUNT BETHANY'S 80th CHRISTMAS, I THINK SHE SHOULD LEAD US IN SAYING GRACE. WHAT, DEAR? GRACE! GRACE? SHE PASSED AWAY 30 YEARS AGO. THEY WANT YOU TO SAY GRACE. THE BLESSING! I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS. ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. CATHERINE, IF THIS TURKEY TASTES HALF AS GOOD AS IT LOOKS, I THINK WE'RE IN FOR A BIG TREAT. THANK YOU. SAVE THE NECK FOR ME, CLARK. OK, EDDIE. SORRY. WHY ARE YOU CRYING? I TOLD YOU WE PUT IT IN TOO EARLY. IT'S JUST A LITTLE DRY. IT'S FINE. IT LOOKS GOOD TO ME. HERE'S THE HEART. AUNT BETHANY, DOES YOUR CAT BY ANY CHANCE EAT JELL-O? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE CAT, BUT I'M ENJOYING IT. HEY, KIDS.

I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT A PILOT SPOTTED SANTA'S SLED ON ITS WAY IN FROM NEW YORK. YOU SERIOUS, CLARK? ART, LOAD ME UP WITH A LITTLE MORE. IT IS GOOD. [COUGH] ED? YEAH, CLARK? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOG? [COUGH] [COUGH] HE'S JUST YAKKING ON A BONE. [COUGH] HE'S GOT IT UP. HE'S ALL RIGHT NOW. MAYBE IF YOU WOULDN'T FEED HIM FROM THE TABLE? NO, NO. HE'S PROBABLY JUST NOSING THROUGH THE TRASH. HEY, GRIS, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING, RUN INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND GET MY STOGY. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU, UNCLE LEWIS? HE'S OLD. THIS MAY BE HIS LAST CHRISTMAS. IF HE KEEPS IT UP, IT WILL BE. [MEOW] HONEY? YOU HAD TOO MANY PLUGS IN ONE OUTLET. OH, GOD. WHAT IS IT? NOTHING. LET'S GO IN AND FINISH OUR DESSERT. IF THAT THING HAD NINE LIVES, SHE JUST SPENT THEM ALL. WHOO! IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO SEE IF I COULD FUMIGATE THIS HERE CHAIR. IT'S A GOOD QUALITY ITEM. IF YOU DON'T MIND, MAY I ASK HOW MUCH IT SET YOU BACK? DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING? FRIED PUSSYCAT. IT'S NOT THE CHAIR.

IT'S SOME KIND OF GAS COMING FROM THE SEWER. YEAH? LEWIS? MY TREE. SO WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY TREE! LEWIS. IT WAS AN UGLY TREE, ANYWAY. AT LEAST IT'S OUT OF ITS MISERY. DAD WILL FLIP OUT– NO. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS. [KNOCK ON DOOR] WHAT DO YOU WANT? I HAVE A DELIVERY FOR CLARK W. GRISMAN. I WAS SUPPOSED TO DELIVER IT YESTERDAY, BUT IT FELL BETWEEN THE SEATS AND I DIDN'T SEE IT. I'M SORRY. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHAT IS IT, A LETTER CONFIRMING YOUR RESERVATION AT THE NUT HOUSE? IT'S FROM MY COMPANY. YOUR BONUS. MY BONUS. OPEN IT, CLARKIE. OPEN IT. YEAH. I HOPE IT'S A FORTUNE. ME, TOO, EDDIE. AW… I WAS AFRAID… ARE YOU GOING TO BAWL OR OPEN IT? I WAS GOING TO WAIT TILL TOMORROW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT WHAT THE HECK? WITH THIS BONUS CHECK, I'M PUTTING IN A SWIMMING POOL. THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE BIG ONE! OPEN IT! I'M SORRY IF I'VE BEEN SHORT WITH EVERYONE LATELY. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BONUS. TO MAKE SURE THE POOL GOES IN, I HAD TO LAY OUT THE MONEY IN ADVANCE. I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO COVER THE CHECK I WROTE.

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TEAR THE SUCKER OPEN. YEAH. DRUM ROLL. IF THERE'S ENOUGH LEFT OVER, I'LL FLY YOU ALL DOWN TO HELP DEDICATE IT. YAY! YAY! OOH! I CAN'T SWIM, CLARK. I KNOW THAT, EDDIE. [SIGH] [SIGH] [SIGH] [SIGH] [SIGH] [SIGH] OH. CLARK, WHAT'S WRONG? HONEY. IT'S BIGGER THAN YOU EXPECTED? SMALLER? NO. WELL, WHAT IS IT? IT'S A ONE-YEAR MEMBERSHIP IN THE JELLY OF THE MONTH CLUB. OH, GOD. THAT'S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING THE WHOLE YEAR. THAT IT IS, EDWARD. THAT IT IS, INDEED. I'M SORRY. CLARK… IF THIS ISN'T THE BIGGEST PUNCH IN THE FACE I EVER GOT. GOD DAMN IT! SON. That's good. That's good. That's good. AHH, HEY. IF ANY OF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ANY LAST MINUTE GIFT IDEAS FOR ME, I HAVE ONE– I'D LIKE FRANK SHIRLEY, MY BOSS, RIGHT HERE TONIGHT.

I WANT HIM BARRED FROM HIS HAPPY HOLIDAY SLUMBER ON MELODY LANE WITH ALL THE OTHER RICH PEOPLE. I WANT HIM RIGHT HERE WEARING A RIBBON. I WANT TO LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND TELL HIM WHAT A CHEAP, LYING, NO-GOOD, ROTTEN, LOWLIFE, SNAKE-LICKING, DIRT-EATING, INBRED, OVERSTUFFED, IGNORANT, BLOODSUCKING, DOG-KISSING, BRAINLESS, DICKLESS, HOPELESS, HEARTLESS, FAT-ASS, BUG-EYED, STIFF-LEGGED, SPOTTY-LIPPED, WORM-HEADED, SACK OF MONKEY SHIT HE IS! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! WHERE'S THE TYLENOL? HE'S GOT THAT CRAZED LOOK IN HIS EYE. I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO HAWAII. TURN THAT THING OFF, AND GET IN THE HOUSE! I'LL TALK TO HIM, MOM. YOU KNOW, DAD… I'VE BEEN THINKING! GOOD TALK, DAD. AREN'T YOU THE TINIEST BIT SORRY WE DIDN'T GET A TREE, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE DIRTY, MESSY, CORNY, AND CLICHED? WHERE WOULD YOU FIND ONE AT THIS HOUR? [CRASH] WHAT'S THE MATTER? WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY? WE NEEDED A TREE. MAY I REMIND YOU– THAT THIS WAS ALL MY IDEA? I'M AWARE OF THAT. COULD YOU REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU GO BERSERK? I DIDN'T GO BERSERK. I SIMPLY SOLVED A PROBLEM. WE NEEDED A COFFIN– I MEAN, A TREE.

THERE ARE NO LOTS OPEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE. LEWIS BURNED DOWN MY TREE. I REPLACED IT AS BEST I COULD. VOILA. ARE YOU OK? I'M FINE, HONEY. [WHISTLES JOY TO THE WORLD] FIXED THE NEWEL POST! [CLICKING] WHAT'S THAT SOUND? [SQUEAKING] [SQUEAK] DO YOU HEAR IT? IT'S A FUNNY SQUEAKY SOUND. YOU COULDN'T HEAR A DUMP TRUCK DRIVING THROUGH A NITROGLYCERIN PLANT. SHH. I HEAR IT, TOO. I DON'T HEAR IT ANYMORE. WHOA! HEY! YIII! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! OH, MY GOD! MY GOD! AAH! AAH! QUIET! SHUT UP! OOH! AAH! AAH! SHH! SHH! SHH. MOM, DON'T MOVE. CAN'T LET IT GET OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM. WHERE'S EDDIE? HE USUALLY EATS THESE DAMN THINGS. NOT RECENTLY. HE READ THAT SQUIRRELS WERE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL. THANK YOU, CATHERINE. I'LL TRY AND TRAP IT. RUSS! RIGHT HERE. OH, THERE YOU ARE. GO GET THE HAMMER. CLARK, WHAT'S THE HAMMER FOR? I'M GOING TO CATCH IT IN THE COAT AND SMACK IT. AAH! OHH. I'M GOING WITH HIM. NORA? NORA. IS HE GONE? PROBABLY SCARED IT BACK INTO THE TREE. SQUIRREL! AAH! AAH! MARCH RIGHT OVER THERE AND SLUG THAT CREEP IN THE FACE.

I CAN'T JUST ATTACK SOMEONE. IF YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO PUT AN END TO THIS SHIT, I AM! AAH! AAH! AAH! GONE. MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? GOOD… GOD. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? NOBODY'S WALKING OUT ON THIS FUN, OLD-FASHIONED FAMILY CHRISTMAS. NO! WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! THIS IS A FULL-BLOWN HOLIDAY EMERGENCY HERE. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE HAPPIEST CHRISTMAS SINCE BING CROSBY TAP-DANCED WITH DANNY FUCKING KAYE. WHEN SANTA SQUEEZES HIS ASS DOWN THAT CHIMNEY TONIGHT, HE'S GOING TO FIND THE JOLLIEST BUNCH OF ASSHOLES EVER. YOU'RE GOOFY. DON'T PISS ME OFF. CLARK. IT'S OVER. NOT ACCORDING TO SANTA'S WATCH. NOW, SON– QUIET, DAD. I THINK IT'S BEST IF EVERYONE GOES HOME… BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE. WORSE? HOW COULD THEY GET ANY WORSE? TAKE A LOOK AROUND! WE'RE AT THE THRESHOLD OF HELL! SON? I–I LOVE YOU. WE ALL LOVE YOU, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE NIGHT.

NOTHING'S GONE RIGHT. IT'S A DISASTER. LOSING YOUR TEMPER WITH EVERYONE ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE. YOU'RE TOO GOOD A FATHER TO ACT LIKE THIS. IN YEARS TO COME, YOU'LL WANT YOUR FAMILY TO REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU GAVE US AND YOUR EFFORTS TO MAKE THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS. YOU JUST COCKED IT UP. IT'S OK. IT HAPPENS. ALL OUR HOLIDAYS ARE ALWAYS SUCH A MESS. OH, YEAH. HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH IT? WITH A LOT OF HELP FROM JACK DANIELS. I LOVE YOU. DAD. YEAH. ARE YOU GOING TO RECITE THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS? NO. IT'S YOUR HOUSE. IT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS. I'M RETIRING. "THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS "WHILE VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS "DANCED IN THEIR HEADS. "AND MAMA IN HER KERCHIEF AND I IN MY CAP "HAD JUST SETTLED OUR BRAINS "FOR A LONG WINTER'S NAP, "WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN, THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER, "I SPRANG FROM MY BED TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

"AWAY TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE A FLASH, "TORE OPEN THE SHUTTERS AND THREW UP THE SASH. "THE MOON ON THE BREAST OF THE NEW-FALLEN SNOW "GAVE A LUSTER OF MIDDAY TO OBJECTS BELOW. "WHEN WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR BUT A MINIATURE SLEIGH AND–" AND–AND EDDIE WITH A MAN IN PAJAMAS AND A DOG CHAIN TIED TO HIS WRISTS AND ANKLES. OH! STAY HERE. HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, CLARK. YOU ABOUT READY TO DO SOME KISSING? HUH? YES, OFFICER, IT SEEMS MY HUSBAND'S BEEN ABDUCTED. THE MAN WAS–WAS WEARING A BLUE LEISURE SUIT. THE PLATES WERE FROM KANSAS. HE WAS A HUGE, BEASTLY, BULGING MAN. I'VE NEVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THIS. SORRY. THIS IS OUR FIRST KIDNAPPING. YOU'RE FIRED. WHERE'S THE PHONE? I'M CALLING THE POLICE. NOW JUST HOLD YOUR WAD, FELLA. CLARK DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. THIS HERE WAS MY IDEA. HE'S STILL FIRED.

AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL. NO, EDDIE. IT WAS MY FAULT. I LOST MY TEMPER WHEN I GOT MY BONUS AND SAID SOME THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE. BONUS? HOW DID YOU GET A BONUS? I CUT OUT BONUSES. YEAH. THANKS FOR TELLING US. I EXPECTED A CHECK. INSTEAD I GOT ENROLLED IN A JELLY CLUB. 17 YEARS WITH THE COMPANY, I'VE GOTTEN A BONUS EVERY YEAR. YOU WON'T GIVE BONUSES, FINE. BUT WHEN PEOPLE COUNT ON THEM AS SALARY, IT… SUCKS. THANK YOU, RUSS. MY COUSIN-IN-LAW, WHOSE HEART IS BIGGER THAN HIS BRAIN… I APPRECIATE THAT, CLARK. HE'S INNOCENT. I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE THE RAP ON THIS ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND EVERY EMPLOYEE YOU REAR-ENDED THIS CHRISTMAS. LOOK, UH… SOMETIMES THINGS LOOK GOOD ON PAPER, BUT… LOSE THEIR LUSTER WHEN YOU SEE HOW IT AFFECTS REAL FOLKS.

A HEALTHY BOTTOM LINE DOESN'T MEAN MUCH IF IT HURTS THE ONES YOU DEPEND ON. IT'S PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. LITTLE PEOPLE LIKE YOU. SO, CARL… WHATEVER YOU GOT LAST YEAR, ADD…20%. ♪ HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS, HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE ♪ ♪ VIXEN, BLITZEN, AND ALL HIS REINDEER ♪ ♪ PULLING ON THE REINS ♪ ♪ BELLS ARE RINGING, CHILDREN SINGING ♪ ♪ ALL IS MERRY AND BRIGHT ♪ ♪ SO HANG YOUR STOCKINGS AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT ♪ ♪ HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS, HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE ♪ ♪ HE'S GOT A BAG THAT'S FILLED WITH TOYS ♪ ♪ FOR BOYS AND GIRLS AGAIN ♪ ♪ HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE JANGLE ♪ ♪ OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪ ♪ SO JUMP IN BED AND COVER YOUR HEAD ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT ♪ [KNOCK ON DOOR] GO AWAY, TODD. [KNOCK KNOCK] IF YOU WANT TO COME IN, YOU'LL HAVE TO BREAK DOWN THE GOD DAMN DOOR.

♪ HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS, HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS ♪ ♪ RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE ♪ ♪ HE'LL COME AROUND WHEN CHIMES RING OUT… ♪♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! FREEZE! NOT YOU. THEM! THEM! THIS WAY, PLEASE. YOU'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I SAID FREEZE, MISTER. MAY WE BLINK? IT'S FRANK. HELEN! THANK GOD YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. I'M FINE. JUST FINE. IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING. EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU STEP OUTSIDE SO WE CAN TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS? OH, THERE'S NO BUSINESS. I'M NOT PRESSING CHARGES. WHAT? IT WAS A MISTAKE. MISTAKE? FRANK, YOU WERE KIDNAPPED. I DID SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE. THEY CALLED ME ON IT. THIS IS CLARK GRISWOLD AND HIS FAMILY. WELCOME TO OUR HOME. WHAT'S LEFT OF IT. RELEASE "B" SQUAD. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? REMEMBER I WAS TOYING WITH THE NOTION OF SUSPENDING CHRISTMAS BONUSES? YOU DIDN'T.

OF ALL THE CHEAP, LOUSY WAYS TO SAVE A BUCK. THAT'S PRETTY LOW, MISTER. IF I HAD A RUBBER HOSE– I CHANGED MY MIND. I'M REINSTATING ALL THE BONUSES. LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! IT'S SANTY CLAUS! UNCLE CLARK, IT'S SANTY CLAUS. NO. IT'S THE CHRISTMAS STAR. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TONIGHT. NOT BONUSES OR GIFTS OR TURKEYS OR TREES. SEE, KIDS, IT MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO EVERYBODY. NOW I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME. THAT AIN'T THE FRIGGING CHRISTMAS STAR. IT'S A LIGHT ON THE SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT. SEWER GAS. DON'T DROP THAT! ♪ AND THE ROCKETS' RED GLARE ♪ ♪ THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR ♪ ♪ GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE ♪ ♪ OH, SAY ♪ ♪ DOES THAT STAR-SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE ♪ ♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE ♪ ♪ AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE ♪♪ PLAY BALL! ♪ HAIL THE NEW YEAR, LADS AND LASSES ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS, SPARKY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.

COME HERE. I DID IT. ♪ IT'S THAT TIME ♪ ♪ CHRISTMASTIME IS HERE ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪ ♪ THERE'S NOT A BETTER TIME OF YEAR ♪ ♪ HEAR THAT SLEIGH ♪ ♪ SANTA'S ON HIS WAY ♪ ♪ HIP, HIP, HOORAY FOR CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ GOT A TON OF STUFF TO CELEBRATE ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S GETTING CLOSER, I CAN'T WAIT ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ GONNA MAKE THIS HOLIDAY ♪ ♪ AS PERFECT AS CAN BE ♪ ♪ JUST WAIT AND SEE THIS CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ THIS OLD HOUSE ♪ ♪ SURE IS LOOKIN' GOOD ♪ ♪ GOT OURSELVES THE FINEST SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ AIN'T IT FUN ♪ ♪ ALWAYS ON THE RUN ♪ ♪ THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE ON CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL DECK THE HALLS AND LIGHT THE LIGHTS ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ GET A TOASTY FIRE BURNING BRIGHT ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ GIVE ST.

NICK THE WARMEST WELCOME ♪ ♪ THAT HE'S EVER HAD ♪ ♪ WE'RE SO GLAD IT'S CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE NIGHTS ARE PEACEFUL AND SERENE ♪ ♪ WE CAN CUDDLE UP ♪ ♪ AND DO OUR CHRISTMAS DREAMIN' ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ WE'RE SO GLAD IT'S CHRISTMAS VACATION ♪ ♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA AND HO HO HO ♪ ♪ JING-A-LING, A-LING, A-LING, LING ♪ ♪ JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE AS WE GO ♪ ♪ JANG-A-LANG, A-LANG, A-LANG, LANG ♪♪.