Video: How Dating Apps Affect Us
Hello my dudes, my name is Tiffany Welcome back to my series, Internet Analysis, where I like to research and discuss various topics related to social media and the internet Today we're going to be talking about dating apps and this is a continuation of a conversation that I started a couple weeks ago in my hookup culture video you can watch it…after this Before I jump in I wanna say a quick thank you to my new subscribers I've gotten quite a few new subscribers in the past few weeks and that's always *exciting* and now we're close to 190k subscribers; I'm so excited, so again, thank you, for *being here* Lets jump right in DiD yOu kNow, that according to new research about 40% of heterosexual couples and 65% of same-sex couples met online in 2017 Historically, one's dating network would be limited to whoever they, their friends or their family know Maybe you could meet someone through work or social activities in your area But today, we've seen a big decline in people meeting through mutual friends or acquaintances And the internet has taken the leading place in how we meet people And that of course expands our network hugely Through the internet you can meet people in your area that you may have never come across otherwise or you can meet people literally around the world So first thing I wanna touch on, what I consider to be the three main types of online dating First would be kind of more old school or traditional dating websites or services Sometimes they're specialty websites made for specific communities -like Christian mingle ! The second type would be dating/ hookup apps though there are specific hookup apps, solely created for that purpose, There's kind of a big overlap in hookup culture and dating apps because a lot of people are on dating apps, but are actually really looking mainly to hook up And the third type would be what I would call meeting organically through the internet To me, that means that you're not actively seeking out a relationship or a hookup, You're just *using the internet* It may be on social media or one of your favourite forums You can meet people anywhere One of my friends actually met her girlfriend through the 1D fandom on Tumblr It's possible! When the concept of online dating was brand new it was definitely considered very weird to be open to the idea of meeting someone through the big bad internet but obviously today it is very, very common a lot of people don't even give it, really, a second thought Even if you're not actively looking for something, many people still will create accounts just to, see what's out there Basically, I think online dating is what you make it obviously, it can be really terrible, it can be really good But I wanted to talk about dating apps specifically because I think, It's a natural extension of the discussion of hookup culture Again there's so much overlap, so many people who are into hookup culture primarily use apps to be able to find people they just go hand in hand.
..or other body parts *boo* why do I have to do this But regardless what you're looking for, a lot of people these days use websites or apps to meet people but there is usually an expectation kind of that if you're down to meet up you must be down to hookup And ironically, sometimes it can be hard to use dating apps to actually date rather than just have sex But that being said, online dating is just how our society functions these days you know, this is just the time we're in, this is technology and there's no stopping it I also think there are a lot of changes in our demographics and just like the way people behave and just like the way people behave For example, back in the day, it used to be a lot more common for people to stay in their hometown Maybe you would marry your high school sweetheart at 18 and start a family right away That's very uncommon today With a lot more people moving away for college and then moving to another big city You end up in a new place where you don't know anybody You may not even have any mutual friends, how the heck are you gonna meet people the internet baby [Music] *Hello virtual reality* [Boy] Now that I've gotten on the internet, I'd rather be on my computer than doing just about anything [Meme music] Why else do people use these apps? Well first of all, we are lonely yes we are and we're shy, we don't really have the same social infrastructure that people used to And this applies to everything, making friends or trying to find a partner I think just generally people are more accessible online than offline so this is the easiest way for us to do this You could get lucky and meet your partner in person but that is becoming rare By the way, my boyfriend and I met iN pErsOn I know, not bragging just like, isn't it crazy? But by the way, meeting someone online is not a bad thing it does not make your relationship any less real or serious or lovely A lot of my followers responded When I was asking about your dating app experiences and thoughts And said that they found their significant other through a dating app and that they're in a happy, loving relationship And that is fantastic! I'm so glad to have a little bit of my faith in online dating humanity restored and that some people really do find love through these apps and through these websites But still there is a bit of a stigma People usually don't want to openly admit that they met on Tinder A lot of people say that they make up a fake story to tell anybody who asks because they don't want to say the truth Well, I swiped right and he swiped right, it's a match ! Isn't quite as romantic as a meet-cute Stumbling into each other in a coffee shop Or in a library with an armful of books But your relationship is still very valid Anyway, for the sake of making generalisations about dating apps This video is a bit heteronormative, and I apologise I actually got a ton of really interesting messages from my LGBTQ+ followers And I would love to touch on those points But I didn't want to just throw them at the end of this video and not give them justice So I'm going to be making aNother video in this series Kinda focused on these other perspectives Including how race impacts online dating and all of the prejudices and judgements and things that can go along with that So the video's going to probably be called 'The Dark Side of Online Dating' So.
..stay tuned By the way not saying that everybody who is not white or not straight has a terrible time on dating apps But I think it's just more interesting to talk about negative things? If you've seen my channel you…you know that *content* Let's jump into photos and profiles I'm gonna be using Tinder as an example Because most people are familiar with it I think, when it comes to making a profile, we are notoriously bad at representing ourselves honestly Like, creating an online dating dating profile is pretty much the online equivalent of "Tell us a fun fact about yourself' Except that it's not an icebreaker for class It's you trying to find a mate A partner or a little…boogie woogie? Why am I doing this? It's actually my third time filming this video so I'm going a little nutty Anyway, I think specialty dating services or websites tend to be a bit more in depth and require more information than your standard app, like Tinder You may have to fill out questionnaires, talk about yourself, your interests, your dislikes, what you look for in a partner I personally find it very fun I did sign up for Ok Cupid at one point, which.
.. I think is literally due to the fact that I lOve surveys I just love answering questions about myself Can anybody relate? Anybody do MySpace surveys back in the day? *sigh* yeah But anyway those websites like Match.com or Ok Cupid Use their algorithms to match you with people that you're apparently supposed to be compatible with But with something like Tinder, you have a lot less information You've got maybe one picture, at the very least, to go off of And we know that photos and profiles can be very misleading if not literally 100% fake You know, the risk of encountering a fake profile or literally being catfished…is always there But in general apps, specifically like Tinder are totally photo-centric Which makes them inherently shallow, I mean, the first thing you do is judge somebody based on their picture some people don't even bother to read bios while they're swiping some people don't even bother to write their own bio *gasp* the audAcity Can you imagine having such little personality that you don't even want to write one single thing about yourself? On a dating app? Again I lOve talking about myself I will work on my bio all day long Make it the perfect.
balance of witty, intelligent, political, philosophical Again I'm *taken* I have not been on dating apps in a long time and even then it was short-lived but- If you're gonna do it do it big! That's just my opinion But anyway, obviously, with a format like Tinder, you are judging people based off of their appearance And even more than that, you're judging people off of your perception of their appearance which largely depends on whether or not they're photogenic Do you know your angles? Your good side? I hope this is my good side Are you using flattering, up to date photos? [Voiceover] The problem with these apps is that they focus only on one aspect which is how we look and it's not only that, it's how we look in a photo and it's probably how we look in a photo that we've in some way doctored In an ideal world, we would hope that most people would pick the best but most accurate photos of themselves But we don't live in an ideal world There are people posting literally 20 year old photos of themselves, pretending that's what they look like today But back to the issue of being photogenic or not, some people are very attractive, but just can't seem to take any decent pictures or nothing that really does them justice On the other hand, you can find people with banging photos that don't necessarily look like their IRL self We are all very aware that, especially with social media and photos being so important these days everybody knows how to use lighting and angles and makeup and even Facetune to make their photos look the best And I think doing that for Instagram is one thing, but, is it fair to misrepresent yourself on a dating app? I feel like that kinda crosses the line I think people should be honest about who they are and honest about what they look like Again, I know you're gonna put your best foot forward Your best *selfie* forward But there's a difference between a flattering picture of you and something that is just completely not you like if somebody literally could not recognise you, you've probably gone a little too far What do you guys think? I know it's annoying when some guys are like 'Makeup is catfishing' like 'You don't even look like that' 'I can't trust girls anymore' It's like, that's ridiculous, obviously I don't have a problem with makeup, I don't have a problem with angles or lighting but, yeah I think you do kind of have an obligation in trying to represent yourself in a realistic way I don't know But anyway, people are going to be swiping right or left on your profile, on your photos But you have to remember that that is not you They're not swiping right on you, because they don't know you All that they see are these very selective things which are selective on your end and selective on their end in what they even choose to bother to look at or read a lot of us consider our online presences to be extensions of ourselves like we literally think 'My Instagram feed is me' 'My facebook is me' But the reality is, they're not! They're not real, they're digital representations of ourselves that can very easily be moulded to create a particular look, they can be changed at any time and that's part of what makes online dating kind of tricky you know In person, you can pretty much tell right away if there's chemistry there, if the attraction is real But online, it's a lot more blurred Now let's talk about the act of swiping [Woman] Swiping is.
..is dehumanising it reduces us to objects You are shopping, for humans Tinder was a genius, adding in the swiping feature has made Tinder so so addictive It literally feels like a game And obviously now Tinder's not the only person, I don't even know if they were necessarily the first person- Person? App [laughs] Corporation! To create a swiping feature but now that's kind of the standard Swipe right is literally synonymous with thinking someone's attractive And there is something kind of *savage* about swiping, like You feel empowered to go yes, no, yes, no You get to like make those snappy judgements And just feel like…the world is at your fingertips Like you're literally tossing people aside if they are not immediately attractive to you Referring back to that network of people that we're connected to Dating apps give us too many options At first it's amazing and exhilarating but as you continue you get a little bit numb to it, you get bored If you were in a bar, you would have a finite number of people that you could potentially go up and say hi to but on dating apps it's literally limitless you could sit and swipe all day and all night long [Woman] Dating apps make you feel like there's always someone out there who's *just* a little bit better than the person that you're dating right now, or the possibility exists it's hard to be content when you know that there are thousands and thousands of other possibilities for you Here is a generalisation of the behaviours of straight people on dating apps In general, women get more messages and are more picky about who they respond to Men are typically more likely to swipe right more often than women and some men even literally swipe right on every single person to get the greatest possible number of matches Men almost always message first, and they tend to send more messages and reply to more messages [Contra] When you're a man, the strategy is you've gotta send a lot of messages Because, women get a lot of messages And then you've just gotta try to be less of an ogre than the other fuckboys Whereas, if you're a woman, you get to lie recumbent on your chaise lounge and receive the inquiries This is such a classic situation Especially with the recent abortion debates, people have been talking about like how men and women behave because of our nature and they've pointed out that men can in theory get an unlimited number of women pregnant women on the other hand, get impregnated by one man, and then they have to carry that baby for 9 months In nature, men can spread their DNA far and wide, while women have to be picky So men, even on dating apps, have to shoot their shot at as many women as possible, apparently So then women tend to get flooded, literally overwhelmed with messages To where, even if you wanted to, you could not possibly keep up conversations with that many people So women will dedicate their time, energy and attention to a few The interesting this is, this is one of few situations where women are actually in power We have the control That's why apps like Bumble, where the woman has to message first have become really popular Women like to be able to control who they're gonna have a conversation with So the big question, how does this all affect our self-esteem? I think if you're getting a lot of matches, a lot of compliments and messages Obviously that's gonna be an ego-boost and it may, temporarily, lift your self-esteem On the contrary, if you're not getting many matches, not getting many replies, that could hurt your self-esteem [Man] But is it possible that shallow-swiping could negatively effect how we feel about our bodies and our self worth The survey asked the participants to rate their own body image, psychological wellbeing and their perceived objectification by others Tinder users generally reported lower levels of satisfaction with their faces and bodies than did their non-swiping counterparts [the survey] also speculated that people with lower self esteem could gravitate towards Tinder as a means of validation.
Of course, as with all surveys like this, it's impossible to tell if Tinder leads to low self-esteem or if low self-esteem leads to Tinder [Interviewee] Am I addicted to Grindr? Yes, definitely I definitely use it as a source of validation Basing your self-esteem on how 'well' you perform on dating apps is extremely unhealthy It is so unhealthy to constantly seek external validation let alone from strangers! The reality is, even if you were the most perfect physically attractive person, there would still be people who are not interested in you You need to know that you have to love yourself And you have to know that you're loveable and not let anyone's like or dislike of you affect that Rejection sucks but it is just a necessary part of dating and that includes online dating You kind of have to practise like learning to accept rejection You have to practice not taking it too seriously or personally Letting it go, and moving on Hey guys, I didn't do a very good transition here but now I'm gonna talk about all the ways people behave and communicate terribly on Tinder or on online dating.. or- apps People behave terribly on dating apps I think for most people, talking so much online is literally ruining our communication skills For example, you get a match on Tinder, they message you Some people think that a simple 'Hello' is too basic some people love sending pick up lines, some people love receiving pickup lines I mean, what's more clever than a dumb joke that somebody googled and now sends to everybody they encounter Clearly, I'm not a fan I just think it's a waste of everyone's time if you're not even going to write something original to each person I was reading this article about the most liked people on Ok Cupid And this guy said he would message girls with the exact same format, based on the day of the week He would say 'Hey there Miss Blank! What kind of trouble did you get into this weekend? .
..smiley face' Like dude, why are you treating online dating like it has to be this super efficient, mindless activity You'd rather send out an unlimited number of the exact same messages than just think of a new greeting? You know what, shout out to Curtis Connor for giving second greetings because he is putting in the work I get that after thousands of conversations you're sick of saying the same things over and over but like, at least tRy! Even worse than that, girls, women, generally get rude and creepy messages and a lot of them the classic 'send nudes' or 'do you wanna hookup right now' Yeah random guy from Tinder, come to my house and maybe kill me Again, this is why girls love Bumble And going back to having too many options; [Voiceover] The choice overload theory states that having too many options cripples our decision making skills more options lead to more cognitive dissonance because it increases the likelihood that the person made the wrong decision I think it definitely negatively impacts how people interact with their matches or even people that they choose to meet up with [Woman] I went for a weekend with a guy, And the next day, I came down and realised he was swiping on Tinder like in the kitchen on our weekend away and I thought, 'Wow, you couldn't even wait till I'd gone home.
' When you're dating casually, it's a well known thing, it's assumed that the other person may be talking to or seeing other people, that's normal But with dating apps, it even more apparent and constant Like they could swiping and chatting with people before, during and after your date Like they can't even spend like one hour getting drinks with you and not thinking about the millions of other people that they could be talking to It is so bad not to take the time to appreciate the person that you're actually meeting up with or even if you are just talking to someone on a dating app, at least take the time to appreciate that conversation because again, what is the point, if it means nothing to you? If you're not even interested in the conversation you're wasting your time By the way, apparently it's a sign of a real relationship once both people delete their dating apps That's romance in 2019 So sweet But if you haven't found the one, the cycle just continues, endlessly [Woman] When you've had a bad date or someone's rejected you You don't take time to calm and think, you know, 'What was that?' You go straight back on to the gambling app to boost your self-esteem to make you feel better Like 'I'm still cute, I'm still cute, like that didn't work out but I'm still attractive, these guys still want me' You may still rely on the apps for validation, you want to distract yourself from rejection with new matches, new chats, scheduling new dates Again I know rejection isn't fun but I think you need time to process your emotions and your thoughts before just steamrolling ahead How could you ever learn or find something positive in an experience if you just move right on? And here are some more inconsiderate, unhealthy behaviours Ah, my favourite Ghosting! Because you have so many matches and so many different conversations going at once, each individual person means less to you People ghost because it's easy to never speak again, unmatch with them or just block them You don't have to cut things off or have any uncomfortable conversations in person, you can just hide behind a screen Which we all know leads to the best human behaviour The terrible thing is, the more common ghosting is the more people do it and the less bad you feel about it But on the other side we can all agree it sucks to be ghosted Then there's another thing that is called 'bread-crumbing', I guess It's basically when you're stringing a lot of different people along [Woman] It's just a numbers game, like because chances are, the person you're connecting with is also connecting with other people, you might get dropped, so you should then go and like- [Man] So that's what a lot of people doing And I think that's when it becomes into like, bread-crumbing You just keep tons of them, lots of women, keep bread-crumbing them, and then keep them all attached [Woman] That is horrible So, as I mentioned in my hookup culture video, I feel like online dating is kinda contributing to this trend where people really are not learning or practicing like healthy, positive dating or relationship skills It takes time and work to learn how to like, interact with people And again I think all of those bad behaviours and things that we kind of have normalised, like ghosting They may not seem significant, But I think it really contributes to the overall feeling The way that we treat each other, the way that we expect to be treated When we think back to the like classic examples of 'Romance' and 'People with manners' The good old days.
..right There were certain social structures in place and there were certain expectations on how you were supposed to treat someone, even if you weren't interested even if you showed up on a date and were like 'oh this is not it' You still were expected to behave in a respectful nice way Because that's a decent thing to do But even with all the dark, negative sides of online dating, people are still here! And I think the craziest thing about online dating is that it is so ubiquitous it's like impossible to escape, if you want to everyone is doing it! [Woman] I mean, I'm quite old fashioned, so I like to meet someone in real life but it seems pretty hard these days, and I feel like if everyone is using Tinder, then you just kinda have to hop on board So my last question to you guys is how, if any way, can we make online dating better how can we improve this for ourselves? I think there are ways to make the best out of using dating apps and I think it's something that you actively have to be aware of so you don't just get sucked into this hole of negativity and rejection and false.
..ego- I dunno [laughs] I would say the first thing is to avoid the apps or websites with the worst reputations or reputations that contrast what you're looking for so if you're not tryna talk to fuckboys, probably stay off Tinder, you know All the time, there are new websites and dating apps coming out so, see what's available, try different ones out, see if you like particular formats over the others see if they have, you know, a reputation for actual relationships or if there's a reputation for hookups Whatever you're looking for, make sure you're using the right app I would also consider maybe looking for an app that isn't 100% photocentric like Tinder, You know, I've already told you too many times my love of surveys, Questionaries! What's better than personality test? Sorry- I dunno, I'm just a geek for information and if I were searching for someone online, I would wanna know more about them than just, you know, to see one picture and one sentence Next recommendation, pay attention to your behaviour Pay attention to how you treat people, how they treat you, how does it make you feel It's important to have this kind of reflection As that one clip showed, like people are racing to the next person and just jumping right back into swiping And they're not giving themselves time to think about all of this But it's important to recognise, if you're being self-destructive in any way You need to take step back And my last suggestion which may be.
..diffucult Is to maybe tRy to meet people in person, just somehow Not even in a dating setting necessarily, but just like, chat up the local cutie in your coffee shop even if you're just saying 'Hi, I like your shoes', it helps It may help you gain confidence and remind yourself that you can indeed interact with people in person 'Cause I know I question myself about that all the time If you guys have any suggestions for each other please comment them down below And if you have anything add about your experiences with dating apps please, share them I love hearing your stories I get to live vicariously through you, or learn from your mistakes Thank you guys so much for watching, stay tuned for the next video about the darker side of dating apps You guys can follow me on Instagram for some mediocre pictures And again if you liked this whole video and you watched the whole damn thing, you better hit subscribe baby We're tryna get to 200k subscribers It's so exciting! [<3] Ok I'm gonna go now, k thanks bye! *Music*.